Last weekend I had the honor of watching my 2-year-old granddaughter opening birthday
presents while I snuggled her baby brother. I spent four days doing the Fedonczak boogie with
three daughters and two sons-in-law. The dance is one part goofiness, one part sizzling wit, two
parts love, and one part appreciation for who we are as a consequence of who we were.
All the family trips to far-away lands, rowdy sleepovers with friends (our record was 18 kids, 2
gallons of milk, 3 batches of pancakes, 2 lbs. of bacon, and 5 large pizzas, in no particular order
of consumption), boat rides, and pool parties are all baked into who we are as a family and how
we gather. The gatherings are different now because my kids are grown, but the hilarity, sass,
and love remain constant. It doesn’t matter what’s going on in our lives, or how difficult it is to
accomplish, we are better together.
In the last 9 years, I’ve witnessed that volleyball is another place where the “better together”
principle reigns. The teams are thrown together by a set of somewhat random circumstances,
as tryouts do not always turn out as expected. Once teams are formed, then how the coach
nurtures and fosters connection is just as important as skills development in how the team
grows and gels.
In volleyball, whoever the players are outside the gym heavily influences the team. But through
months of practice and travel, a new team develops. Some kind of alchemy takes over when a
team is connected to each other, and the collective skills are infinitely more wondrous than any
individual pass, set, or hit. The extent to which they can talk to each other, trust each other, and
risk their own comfort determines how they play. It’s not about the scoreboard or the trophies, or
the accolades, it’s about the feeling of being BETTER together!
In a world where face-to-face connection wanes, there’s nothing that compares to being in the
same place as the ones you care about. I am honored to have witnessed the ancient power of
connection at work with the girls I coach. But the most awe-inspiring example is at my family
gatherings, where I can see the little girls at play inside the hearts of my big girls. And now I can
watch it happen all over again with my grandbabies!
Even if we drive each other crazy sometimes, being in a group of loved ones who have the
same values and goals is the purest example of connection. As long as we’re together, we are
stronger in adversity and more generous in times of plenty. I will carry the memory of last
weekend with me as a reminder of how lucky I am to be their mom, until we dance again!
XO
Terri
P.S. Tell me how your family connects, and/or go here for life-coaching!
We’re Better Together
Finding Your People
The definition of friends has changed dramatically in the last couple of decades. The number of followers on social media may determine your “friend” group, but is quantity the most important metric? Prolly not, because most social media friends are really acquaintances. You can’t call them when you need a ride to the airport or help moving. Those are the actions of true friends, but you won’t have those if you spend all your connecting time on social media.
I can count my true friends on one hand. They are my soul sisters. My best friend, Hannah, drove 13 hours with her daughters to help me open my wellness center in 2016. She has listened to me giggle and/or weep on the phone for almost 46 years. We visit each other once or twice a year, but we talk on the phone nearly daily. We make space in our day, because we’re important.
True friends are like a balm to the soul. Just yesterday I was woozy from pollen-palooza (demon Spring!), and I was spinning woe like a Victorian heroine in search of a fainting couch. Then Hannah called! We chatted and solved the world’s problems. When I hung up, I hopped off the couch and rejoined my day. I had the same pain, it just didn’t hurt as much. That’s the power of true friends.
Hannah and I don’t need to see each other face to face to connect, as we have a deep bond that began as small-town girls in a fancy boarding school. We bonded over our outsider status, and we’ve never looked back. Some years life got in the way, but our friendship continues to thrive! Here are some suggestions for finding your people:
* Recycle old friendships: Do you have old friends that you no longer see? Recycle them first before worrying about new friends. This can be as easy as sending a text to someone you haven’t talked to in months–or years. Just say “I was thinking about you today, how are you?” You may find that there’s a reason you’ve drifted apart, or you may find that your friendship picks up just where it left off.
*Show up as your authentic self: You must show up real and unfiltered to find a true friend. If you’re changing to fit into a friend group, your people won’t find you–because they won’t recognize an imposter. When you have dropped all facades and let things get messy, that’s when you find your people. Try taking a class that tickles your fancy; chances are you will find a few of your people there, because they are like YOU!
*Put friendship first: Once you find your people, you must nurture those friendships like rare orchids for them to flower. For me that looks like putting a walk with a friend before that new show or the next thing on the TODO list; it’s worth it.
With any luck (after all it IS St. Patrick’s Day and I AM 1/4 Irish) this blog will spur you to find, or re-visit, some true friends, because at the end of the day real friends bring life to your life!
XO
Terri
P.S. Have other suggestions about building friendship? Email me or go HERE for coaching!
Environmental Cleanup
Before I was a life coach, I was a commercial real estate broker with a problem. The DEP told
us we had pollutants under one of our shopping centers that would take six months to clean up.
You couldn’t see the problem, as it was underneath the parking lot, but left unchecked it would
have contaminated the groundwater near us. Sometimes (metaphor alert) there are poisons
beneath the surface that threaten our health, and it’s up to us to clean them up or suffer the
consequences!
Friends are a crucial component of a healthy life. Research shows that lack of close friends is
dangerous, increasing the risk of dementia by 50%, stroke and heart disease by 30%, and akin
to smoking 15 cigarettes a day 1 . Close friends are those you feel completely comfortable with,
whether your mood is triumphant or pint-of-Talenti sad. They make you feel calm, safe, and
energized, like together you can save the world or at least your little corner of it. For me, that
means people who are low on drama and suffused with sarcastic humor and hugs. Do you have
people like that in your life?
We all have friends who are perhaps leftover from a former version of ourselves. They are too
judgmental and “look-at-me!” but we allow them to drain our energy, because we think suffering
is easier than hard feelings. I’m going to say this in the most loving and respectful way, “That’s a
crappy way to run your life, as only Saints get points for suffering!”
If you have “friends” who think you’ve done something underhanded or get offended easily, then
they aren’t your people. You could invest a bunch of time and energy trying to convince them,
OR you could just let them go find their own people. YOUR people will support you, even if you
have messed up. They will call you on it and accept your apology.
When you refuse to engage in the drama, it might create some short-term drama. And that’s
okay because it’s the means to a more peaceful end. My favorite response to someone who
wants to pump me for gossip is, “That’s not my story to tell.” When I say this calmly with clear
eye contact, drama mamas get flustered. This direct approach may lose some friends, and you
might be lonely for a while. But that space allows your people to find you. And acting like the
highest and best version of yourself allows YOUR people to recognize you.
So, friends, let this be the beginning of your own environmental cleanup. If you’ve noticed
emotional vampires in your circle because you feel exhausted and fuzzy-headed around them,
your cleanup is to limit access or refuse to engage by claiming an important appointment or
raging IBS, whatever works. Next time, we’ll talk about how to build a circle of YOUR people!
XO
Terri
P.S. Email me if this post made you say “AHA!” If you want immediate help with cleanup, go
here for life-coaching ��
Environmental Matters
“We are all a product of our environment” is one of the core tenets I learned in my Life Coach
training. I didn’t really get it at the time, but in the ensuing 14 years I’ve lived countless
examples of this simple truth. I got another reminder last week while driving to the office of Dr.
Lizzie Snow, chiropractor extraordinaire.
In the span of 30 minutes, I was plagued by four putzes (all young men driving souped-up cars,
not that I’m stereotyping) who were evidently qualifying for the Indy 500 on Beal Pkwy. I was in
such a state of bliss leaving my house, knowing I was putting my self-care first on my TODO list,
that the first one flying up behind me and tailgating for a 1⁄2 mile before I could switch to the right
lane didn’t even phase me. I just “Bless Your Heart”ed him and went back to my music.
But after the last one cut me off, darting from the far right lane to the far left land with inches to
spare from my front bumper, I lost it. I flung f-bombs like Mardi Gras beads and laid on my horn.
As I pulled away from the near accident, I could feel my heart pounding in my head and my
hands shaking. I felt GOOD about scaring the crap out of him with my horn, right up until my
inner guide (you know the little voice of truth we all carry) said (in my head, I’m not that crazy),
“Terri, why are YOU acting like a putz; that’s not you. What do you need right now?” I needed to
STOP and breathe. I was at a stop light, so I did just that. Three deep breaths, saying “All is
well. All will be well. All manner of things will be well.” And then I could proceed calmly.
I believe that every experience, no matter how challenging and painful, can be a lesson if we
listen. However, if we spend our time railing about the unfairness of it all or jumping feet-first into
frustration and f bombs, we’ll never get the lesson. We must get quiet and let all that detritus
wash away in the silence, then we can hear that little voice of truth pointing us back in the
direction of our sanest self.
Now, if this little environmental pollution can shake an experienced life coach, how is your
environment affecting you? Sometimes we put up with friends, acquaintances, or bosses in our
space that leave us feeling drained or like we want to punch something. It’s perfectly normal to
experience these feelings, but just know that it is possible to change them.
Are you surrounding yourself with people who support your highest and best self, or do you
need to engage in a little environmental cleanup? For now, just notice how you feel around
different people and in different situations, specifically emotional vampires who suck the joy out
of any room. Just notice, and next time we’ll see where you can restore order easily or where
you might need to pull out some heavy equipment to get the job done!
XO
Terri
P.S. Wanna dish about the most toxic waste in your life? Email me with all the details. If you
want immediate help with the clean-up, go here for life-coaching 🥰
Deprivation Begets Appreciation!
This is a throwback to 2021, but the message is still just as relevant…Enjoy!
When I started empowering girls through team sports and life coaching, I
didn’t do it as a way of paying back. I empower girls because I know what it feels like
to go it alone. I didn’t have mentors, coaches, or parents who were supportive and
encouraging. I’m not whining; I’m just stating facts. Financial support was there,
but emotional support, not so much.
But make no mistake, I see value in deprivation. Without deprivation, there’s
no clear path to appreciation. Every time I help a girl realize how strong and capable
she is, it’s like I’m helping my own middle/high school self. I love the full circle-
ness of my deprivation creating the motivation to give other girls what I lacked.
This deprivation to appreciation focus runs through my life. For instance,
most of us don’t appreciate indoor plumbing, it’s just the status quo. It was only
when I started life coaching clients in South Africa that I began to see turning a
faucet to get clean water as a gift. I don’t have to wait for the water truck to arrive
and then haul the jugs back to my house for water to cook and bathe. My friends
weren’t complaining about their lack of plumbing. In fact, they are the most
generous, kind, and joyful people I know.
In my work on this side of the world, I find the deprivation that affects most of
my clients has more to do with quiet than plumbing. We suffer from a lack of peace
and stillness. Stillness is a balm to an anxious brain. It allows us to see that we create
our own peace deprivation, and we can change that.
We don’t have to quit all screens and sit in lotus pose to get the benefits of
deprivation. We can start with delaying our gratification or attaching it to something
that we know is good for us. Instead of watching a show while sitting on the couch,
you can delay it until you ride a stationary bike or walk on a treadmill. That way, you
can pair a guilty pleasure with something that will pay dividends in stress, and butt,
reduction.
Once you’re creating little pockets of time through delayed gratification,
maybe you fill that space with meditation. I love Headspace because you can start
with a 1-minute meditation. By depriving yourself of screen and phone time, you will
begin to appreciate stillness. Notice how much that stillness improves your clarity
when you plug back into life.
I am most appreciative of you, dear readers. I remember a time when my
audience was only people related to me. Your continued support feels like a virtual
hug to my past and current self, thank you!
XO
Terri
P.S. Where can you build a little deprivation-to-appreciation in your life? Tell me all about
it! Want help with that? Go here for LIFE COACHING
Mommy The Vampire Slayer
Even though our primary role as a parent is to help our children grow, it’s not our job to change
our teens. I can feel you bristling but just stay with me for a minute. If we try to change our
teens, all they hear is that they are not good enough as they are. Also, they will resist our
efforts, and this puts teen and parent on opposing sides. It’s more productive and joyful to be
on the same team. It’s a teen’s job to practice the independence that will help them navigate
the ever-increasing challenges in their lives. It’s a parent’s job to manage ourselves in the midst
of that change and to provide a safe place for them to return for comfort. Sounds all balanced
and kumbaya, right?
But what if your kid is changing in a way that makes your gut queasy? What if their new friends
set off alarm bells in your head? How do you tell when it’s time to step in and when it’s time to
leave them alone? What do you do if your child is enthralled by (cue scary laugh) an Emotional
Vampire?
First, let’s define an Emotional Vampire or EV. EVs are sometimes baby narcissists who play with
emotions for sport, stirring up drama to keep themselves in the center of the swirl. Then there
are the EVs who are just lost kids with crummy home lives who are drawn to shy, sensitive kids
because of their vulnerability. The EVs use flattery and attention to reel in quiet kids to provide
themselves with company; misery loves company. My middle child collected EVs like baseball
cards until it made me crazy with fear that these broken kids would break my kid, just for fun.
And I had no clue how to stop it. I knew that I could not stand idly by while my child became
someone I didn’t recognize. So I developed the EV Battle Plan:
Step One: Make sure there really IS a problem: There are so many stressors in middle and high
school, that if you go to threat level red on all of them, you will exhaust yourself and alienate
your teen. The signs that an EV has hold of your teen are: 1. Your child stops talking to you at all
or making eye contact, 2. They change their appearance drastically. They go from preppy to
grunge or from geek to vamp, 3. Their priorities change, like their grades take a nosedive. Your
A/B student starts bringing home D’s.
These situations are evidence that your child’s Inner Guide is no longer in the driver’s seat. If
they are struggling with an EV-directed emotional kidnapping, they will no longer look or act like
themselves. If they’re just being witchy, go meditate or exercise and wait for a time to connect
through humor. If their mood has nothing to do with you, don’t borrow trouble. If your Inner
Guide says there is a problem, then go to Step One-A.
Step One-A: Center yourself: Warriors from time immemorial have practiced pre-battle rituals.
If your gut tells you something is wrong, and your teen is exhibiting all the above behaviors,
then you must first get very clear about what to do next. Take time to meditate, pray, exercise,
sleep or do any other form of self-care that feels good to you. Do not react from a place of fear,
because that leads to actions you will regret. This is a minefield; you don’t want to rush
headlong into an explosion that will blow up your relationship with your kid. Did you notice that
I recommend self-care regardless of whether or not you’re in battle mode? Anytime you are
dealing with a teen, self-care should always be your first response. Ground yourself in love, and
then take action.
Step Two-Invite the Vampire Over: I know in the movies, this is the wrong thing to do; but in
real life, you want to re-con the situation directly. Come up with a super fun activity that is easy
to prepare; ask your kid for suggestions. Like this, “Sweetie, I feel like I never see you. Let’s have
a party and invite some friends over; what do you want to do? Pizza, sleepover, and movies,
maybe?” Then when the new kid comes over, you can assess which type of EV he/she is.
If it’s a lost kid who has caught the EV virus from their family, maybe you can love them enough
to really help them. I have always told my girls, “if you have friends who are on a different level
than you, for reasons beyond their control, you can either pull them up or they will pull you
down. The former is why we are on this Earth, the latter means the friendship has a short
shelf-life.” But if the EV is the baby narcissist variety, then you know that it’s time for battle
stations.
Step Three-Battle Stations: You will either need to ban the friend in whatever form feels right to
you or get help to remove your kid from their presence. I have been on both sides of the EV
issue, and neither side was easy. In one instance, I moved my kid to another school, and in the
other, she did school online while pursuing her big-city dreams. Both solutions eventually
worked, but the process was not simple or easy. The end result was that both daughters
graduated with good GPAs and learned to banish EVs all by themselves. I have seen parents who
do nothing, and the consequences are far worse. Burying your head in the sand is never a good
strategy.
I don’t say this to scare you; fear is not a good motivator. I want to empower you to do what’s
best for you and your family. Dealing with EVs is delicate. The only hard and fast rule is that you
must center yourself in love before taking any action. Remember that life with a teenager is like
flying a plane while building it. Things change at a lightning-quick pace. If you can practice
radical self-care, then you can handle the change and make decisions from a place of love.
Because the best defense against the dark arts is always love and compassion.
XO
Terri
P.S. If you need help with an EV infestation, drop me a line HERE or click for LIFE-COACHING
Love the One You’re With!
I am a consumer of stories. I heard a story recently of a well-meaning mother-in-law who would wax poetic about her grandkids TO other grandkids. Maybe her intention was to motivate, but that was not the effect. It only served to alienate the kids who were with her. I thought to myself, “Crap, I do that!”
It’s so easy to fall into a pattern where your sphere of awareness is hijacked. Whether you’re feeling boastful or bewildered by your kid’s actions, it still eats your attention. When I’m in that state, I’m like a dog with a bone. I run through scenarios to either “fix” the problem or strengthen my ego with some fantabulous parenting win. All of that is fine if I keep it away from my other kids. But I haven’t. I am blessed with children who contact me often, and if I’m in that problem-solving or ego-boosting mode, invariably it will leak into conversations with the actual kid on the phone.
When I heard the M.I.L. story, the phrase “Love the One You’re With” popped into my head. That is the definition of evolved parenting, paying attention to the kid in the room (actual or virtual) and dealing with your other kids on your own time. That honors the one who made an effort to connect, and it keeps your awareness in the same space as your presence.
Imagine if we expanded this concept to other relationships: work/home, spouse/friends, spouse/kids. What if we flipped a switch to pay attention to the person in the room instead of the images on the screen? Wouldn’t it be worth making the effort if this concentration of focus brought more joy to one person? What if that one person is you!
XO
Terri
P.S. If you need a little help re-uniting your presence with your attention, tell me all about it HERE or go here for more in depth LIFE-COACH help.
Calm Back to School Anxiety (Throwback)
This is a throwback to August of 2020, and I still here the same worries from my clients. I hope this blog will ease your fears:)
In the middle of our new world of “nothing is certain” drops the ancestral stressor called Back-to-School—seriously? There are so many Back to School options: 1. wear a mask, don’t wear a mask? 2. In person school or home school? 3. Send a gallon of sanitizer or wear a hazmat suit? Ok that last one was just thrown in to see if you were paying attention. It’s all so confusing, kinda’ like the act of parenting.
Parenting is always steeped in anxiety about the unknown. It’s building the plane while you’re flying it, with the possibility of crashing into a mountain while you’re reading the manual. It’s always been this way, but no one tells you that when you’re trying to get pregnant, with visions of adoring children who are neatly dressed and never talk back. That’s how they propagate the species, with parental fiction. The reality of parenting is messy and exhausting, with occasional moments of such crystalline beauty that it takes your breath away. The difference between these two states is your perspective.
It’s never the circumstances that cause stress, it’s your reaction to the circumstances.
We have little to no control over the circumstances, but we have total control over our reactions. If we freak out, our kids freak out and things get much worse. If we stay calm, our kids will stay calm. When calm, we can problem solve with a clear head. How do you stay calm? It’s as easy as 3 DEEP BREATHS.
If your daughter plays volleyball for 850 Elite, she already knows about the 3 Deep Breath method. I preach it consistently as a way to calm the nerves before serving or to recover after missing a serve, pass or hit. But it works in every anxious situation.
When we are stressed, our body senses a threat and goes into Fight, Fight or Freeze mode. Cortisol and adrenaline levels skyrocket in our bloodstream, raising our heart rate and reducing our ability to focus. You can reverse this trend with 3 Deep Breaths. Stopping to focus on filling your belly with breath and slowly exhaling while closing your eyes, three times in a row, can return you to sanity. For bonus points, say “Inhale strength-Exhale doubt” to yourself or out loud.
I’m such a fan that I set an alarm on my phone thrice daily that says, “Take 3 breaths”. This keeps my habitual anxiety at bay. Try it right now. Better yet, try it with your kids and let me know the results at terrif@findyourpride.org or click HERE for life-coaching information!
XO
Terri
Shark vs. Rowboat
This is a throwback to July of 2019, and I’m still trying to turn my shark into a rowboat!
I am a shark. Not in my transactions, but in my motivational style. I am always moving forward. Always looking for the next puzzle to solve or opportunity to tackle. I rarely look back. However, this week, I am adopting the rowboat style of motivation-moving forward while looking back. Why? Because this week was my last oncologist follow-up appointment. I am officially post-breast cancer. No more tamoxifen; no more lengthy drives to UAB. I am free.
And yet, I am pulled to look back at the time I was diagnosed. At the struggle of moving my treatment to UAB, my mastectomy and recovery. Looking back at that weird summer of 2010, I am feeling…grateful.
I am grateful for cancer, as it was the nuclear bomb that cleared the way for an equally explosive life change. Without cancer, I wouldn’t have the close relationship I have with my daughters. I wouldn’t have built a community center where girls of all ages and types can build their girl power and use it for good. I wouldn’t have become a life coach. I would have stayed in my safe little life and resented the sameness.
It’s good for me to look back and realize that change really is good, even if it feels painful in the moment. If you’re a shark, too, try looking back at a time that seemed insurmountable, and then realize that you survived. It could have even been a blessing in the end. Try tweaking your perspective, looking forward or backward, to grow your gratitude for where you are right this minute! Then tell me all about it at terrif@findyourpride.org or go HERE for a little help.
XO
Terri
Fear of Failure is SO 5 minutes Ago
This is a throwback to my guest blogger spot for the Teen Parenting Summit of 2015. One mom asked: “How do I know when to intervene and help my daughter and when do I let her make her own decisions with the possibility of ‘failure’?”
Dear Struggling Mom of a Teen/Pre-teen Daughter,
Your question raises one of my most common client issues, so you are not alone! The most common occurrence of this issue is when your daughter graduates to a different school. When this happens, it’s difficult for us to catch up.
We think that the same systems that worked in elementary school will continue to be effective in middle and high school, but we’re wrong. When they don’t work, we can’t just keep doing the same thing harder! That is a perfect way to alienate our pre-teens and teens; I know this because I did it with my two eldest kids. And it worked just as horribly with the second as it did the first.
I now know that a flexible discipline model that grows with your child is a way to sustain a happy home. Flexibility is key because stuff happens, and our ability to roll with the punches directly affects our kid’s ability to roll with the punches.
If we aren’t afraid of failing, accepting failure as an opportunity to learn and grow, then we will develop resiliency right alongside our child. Because, my friends, resiliency beats control every time.
We cannot control circumstances, but we can develop a mindset that looks for solutions as problems arise. And if we can demonstrate this for our kids by doing it ourselves, then they will actually pay attention. Leading by example is a much more effective parenting tool than “Do it because I said so.”
If we aren’t afraid of failure, then we can clearly assess when failure might be the perfect lesson for our teens. The way to gauge when to step in and when to let our kids make their own mistakes is completely subjective and individualized to your teen.
However, if we, as parents, can take very good care of ourselves, with enough sleep, exercise, and soul-filling (quiet time, meditation, or watching a favorite show), then we can let our kids have their own experience, with us there for guidance when, and only when, they ask for help.
If they don’t ask for help, and they fail, that’s a very good experience for them in the long run. It’s okay to let your kids fall, so they can learn how it feels to get back up on their own. Failure in middle school or high school has a much less drastic effect on their long-term success than failure in a job, when you’re not there to help.
If you never let your kids fail, then they won’t know how to innovate and grow. They will have lives of quiet desperation, knowing that they’re missing out by never risking anything. It’s not our job to keep our kids pain-free; our job is to help them be resilient.
If you can maintain a sense of calm, even in the face of failure, then your child will understand that failure is something to be managed, not something that buries us. And if you’re practicing your own self-care, calm is infinitely easier to maintain. Remaining calm in the face of challenges will lead to a growth-oriented child who believes in her ability to keep trying!
XOXO
Terri
P.S. If you want a little help finding your happy place, write me at terrif@findyourpride.org or go HERE for life-coaching.
