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Leadership has always been an important topic for me as I navigated through great teachers and bosses, as well as the occasional emotional vampire. As I have a speaking gig in February on leadership, I’ve been pondering effective leaders in in the workplace as well as on the volleyball court. This week I asked my tween and teen players “What are traits of a good leader”?, as I wanted to make sure I’m leading them effectively to be stronger on and off the court. 

As a mission driven executive, my challenge has been to find employees that are similar and then explaining my mission in a way that keeps them intrigued and inspired. An intriguing job with regular feedback and clear expectations is what every mission driven person wants. The trick is to keep the communication clear, so you can see when things go awry. Then you can move to repair the damage without drama.

I will continue to investigate leadership as defined by the people I respect. The following is a list compiled by myself and my players. Can you find yourself in this list of leadership traits?

1. Confidence to lead in victory and patience when failures happen
2. Admit to and take responsibility for mistakes, then help the team incorporate the lesson
3. Strength of character and a true moral compass, where the goal is the health of the team 
4. Ability to lead with compassion and authenticity, or as one of my players said, “Don’t be a frickin’ hypocrite!” When you give your word, keep it!
5. Have a good sense of humor and the courage to use it to defuse heated situations.
6. Practice good communication with an ability to explain objectives, inspire and rally the team.
7. The ability to provide the team with what they need to be more efficient
8. Being comfortable with critical feedback and making changes that matter
9. Lead by example with a flexible ego and a calm head in a crisis.
10. Don’t ask your team to do something you wouldn’t do yourself.
11. The courage to kick emotional vampires off the team for the greater good. The short term pain is worth the long-term health of the team.
12. No micromanaging. Delegate and wait for results.
13. A clear focus on the end objective, as well as the ability to shift the short-term objective to reach a long-term goal

And most importantly, leave the tyrant and the drama at the door, or dispense with it completely for a more joyful work and home life! 

XO

TerriP.S. Which of these traits do you have and which do you want to learn? Let me know by e-mailing me HERE or go here to get LIFE-COACH help.

Happy New Year!! With the dawn of the New Year comes the inevitable push for a resolution or two. In the past, I’ve had big expectations of a slimmer, calmer self, as I etched my resolutions into stone. Only to be frustrated when those expectations didn’t manifest. The cornerstone of frustration is the distance between our expectations and our reality, and the frustration grows exponentially as the distance increases. It’s just math, y’all!

We can control our reality to an extent. But when other people are involved in the equation, the only thing we can reliably change, the place where we have total control, is our expectations. Step 1 to adjusting our expectations is to notice their existence.

Some expectations are so ingrained that we don’t realize we are inside one until we feel frustrated when it isn’t met. In this way, the frustration and resulting anxiety are the first clues that we are suffering under an expectation/reality Battle Royale. When that realization occurs, we can move to Step 2: find the faulty expectation by naming the frustration.

Here’s an example from my own life. My jeans are getting tight, like “cut off circulation, leave red welts on my tummy” tight, and I have been frustrated beyond description. I realized that my expectation was to remain at my “lost the 30 pounds during Covid” weight forever, no matter what. As my weight has fluctuated with my stress level my entire life, this expectation was faulty. 

I had a lot of changes in 2022, and change stresses me out. The amount of stress varies in proportion to the amount of change. So, of course, my weight has responded in kind. When I noticed the expectation was faulty, I bought bigger clothes that feel comfortable, and my frustration was reduced. This is a kind of math even my English Literature brain can understand. Does this mean I accept my bigger body and give away my smaller sizes? Yes, and No.

We can only grow (and reduce) from a place of acceptance, which is Step 3 of my three-step plan. I accept that my size is in double digits. I accept that I’m not as strong as I was in 2021. These are facts; ignoring them won’t make them disappear. This doesn’t mean that I’m weak or shameful. It just means that my reality is one where I’m carrying extra adipose tissue, again, and once again I know exactly how to meditate, sweat a little more, and worry a little less to allow my body to relax. 

When I’m relaxed, I don’t eat mindlessly and stare at screens until my brain turns to mush. Hence, my only New Year’s Resolution is to protect my state of relaxation, so my body can come out of its fight/flight struggle and release the protective padding that I no longer need.

XO

Terri
P.S. Click HERE to share your expectations for the New Year or go here for HELP with your own Battle Royale!

I’ve been walking basically the same route from and to my house for the last 3 years. I’m a routine gal, because routines are calming to my frenetic satellite receiver of a brain. Shoes and hat on, Airpods in, podcasts cued up, and I hit the road, every day. Walking is a constant in an ever changing world, and I like to listen to stories while my feet do their right-left-right thing. 

But yesterday I followed the directions of my writing course and went commando–no Airpods, no stories. The prompt was to follow in the steps of great writers who were also great walkers, to immerse myself in nature and then come straight home to write. Seemed a little mundane, but in Julia Cameron I trust. 

I thought I would be bored without stories in my ears, but I was so wrong! I heard bird song, people chatting as they walked by, the swish of bicycle tires on pavement, the sound of a teenager shooting hoops in his driveway ( didn’t he realize there were perfectly good video games awaiting him inside?), and the tinny music of wind chimes. But the real surprise was how much better my eyes worked when my ears were free. I saw yard art, cute dog stencils on a wooden gate, messy side yards and little girls playing fairies in spider-web tutus. But the most shocking sight of all was a wooden cutout of a 6 foot Bigfoot in a yard I had passed daily for THREE YEARS! 

I found Bigfoot in Valparaiso, Florida, y’all, and I’m pretty sure he wasn’t erected this week. 

I was stunned at all I’d missed on my daily walks because someone else’s stories were playing in my ears. My walk was sanitized and crafted by a stranger, breaking the fragility of my attention. Where else had my love of stories blinded me to the beautiful and the messy? I keep trying to eliminate the mess, because I’m chaos averse, but isn’t the essence of life beauty and mess? I can’t sanitize the mess without missing the giant Bigfoot. 

If I take this “Aha!” further, what else have I missed with stories blocking my senses? Loving glances from my hubby, funny antics of my pooch, the sunlight reflecting on the water in my backyard? What beauty have I missed in all those holidays I was scurrying behind my family 

cleaning up mess? If I left my Airpods in their case this season and accepted the mess, I might notice how lucky I am to know the four intelligent, opinionated, hilarious young women who call me Mom. There’s nothing bigger than that. 

XO 

Terri 

P.S. What attention grabbers can you leave behind this holiday season? Try it and let me know how it goes HERE or click here for a little LIFE COACH help 🙂

Last month’s blog described the last six months of difficult feelings. I was triggered a lot, and when I’m trauma-triggered, I fall into some old habits. I try to fill the hold in my heart with comfort foods that don’t bring me lasting comfort. This is a habit I developed as a child, so it’s hardwired. 

One reason I’m stuck in my old trauma habit is the shame of having that habit in the first place. I know nothing will change with shame as the driving force, because shame creates more trauma. It’s a trauma snake eating its own tail, with an appetizer of Rolos and Crunch ‘N Munch.

The only way to change a habit is with compassion and practice. I’ve been here so many times before, as my genetics prefer me at a weight that is about two sizes bigger than my body and spirit want. But this time it’s more than that, because I’m not strong enough to keep up with my granddaughters. I need to make a change. But how? I don’t want to “diet” anymore, because it doesn’t last and it doesn’t feel good.

Since I needed help, I talked with my amazing therapist who gave me different cards to play in the shame game. She reminded me that if you believe in a divine power, and I do, then our bodies were created from that power. My body is part of the divine, not because of the way it looks, but because of its divine origin story. If that’s true, then it follows that my body should be treated in a sacred way. She gave me the mantra, “How will I honor my temple today?”

That question flips my old habit on its head. Instead of filling my trauma void with food, I can comfort myself in a different way that honors the temple of my body. 

So, today is Day One of the 21 days it will take to create an alteration in my shame habit. After that initial alteration, maintaining that change takes attention. Where goes your attention, goes your life. It also takes asking for help when I encounter a trauma trigger.

My first step is returning to my daily walks outside, as the vastness of nature keeps my human problems in perspective. And if I can’t walk, I can sweat in different ways, because I need the endorphins that raising my heart rate produces. With lots of time and practice, I know I can reduce my old destructive shame habit. I can honor a place where my divine body and I are on the same side!

XO

Terri

P.S. If you have something to say about honoring your own temple, or times that you haven’t, click HERE. For help with life’s challenges, go here for COACHING

For most of my life I’ve ignored my feelings, because they disrupted efficiently completing my onerous TODO list. But I can’t ignore my feelings anymore, no matter how much I want to control them.

In the last six months, I’ve learned that feelings can either get in the way or show you the way, especially in times of change. 

I’ve stepped back from the running of my volleyball club, and it seems that my control freak has a lot of feelings about that! I’m still the life coach for the teams, but I am turning over all administration to the amazing team of Wonder Women that have helped out in past seasons. At first it was really hard to think of relinquishing control of the “baby“ I birthed seven years ago, but it’s time for me to spend some time with my flesh and blood grandbabies.

And yet, now that I’m not the Director of 850 Elite, who am I? What is my vocational purpose, since I’m far from riding off into the sunset in an R.V.? I’m not really comfortable with more questions than answers, and all these feelings of uncertainty about my next chapter have led to a boatload of sadness, self-doubt, and bouts of “meh”.

I’ve been so off-kilter and depressed that I asked for help in the form of an amazing therapist, because even helpers need help sometimes. I need help with my sadness, confusion, and limiting thoughts that were making me feel, in the words of Anna Delvey, so bay-sic. 

I need help building a new normal, and I am a firm believer in the adage “asking for help with the mundane creates room for the divine.“ I am beyond ready for a little divine!

I’m not sure what’s next for me. I’ve been yammering about writing another book for my favorite clients, teenage girls–a Girl Power primer, if you will. I think that’s the next step, so I will follow my feelings toward divine inspiration, tuning out my control freak’s inefficiency alerts along the way.

When I land on my next creative adventure you’ll be the first to know, dear reader. Knowing you’re out there makes the sun shine a little brighter!

XO

Terri
P.S. I have an inkling that some writing company might be just the thing. If you’d like to join my exceedingly informal writing group let me know at terrif@findyourpride.org. If you need a little help yourself, go HERE

I had a dream last night that I was a brand new student in a writing class. The teacher said “Begin!” and the class started to write a timed essay. Except I didn’t have any paper, and the only writing implement I had was a highlighter. I hunted everywhere for paper and a proper pencil, but there was nothing. I asked the guy next to me and he handed me a Post-it. I started to panic, because this is my THING! I’m a writer, and I could not write for love or money. When I awoke, I thought, “What have I been waiting for…creative inspiration, quiet time, a deadline? All I need is pen and paper!” It was only when I couldn’t that I realized I really want to write again. So, here we go.

I returned two weeks ago from my African adventure traipsing around Tanzania, Botswana and South Africa with my hubbie for nearly a month. The reasons that we keep returning to Africa are difficult to put into words, because Africa is wordless wonder. It’s indescribably beautiful, from the vast plains of Tanzania that make you feel like you’re in the middle of an ocean of grass with no humans as far as the eye can see, to the Okavango Delta where you cross rivers to leave and return to the glamorous tents of the Duba Plains camp, everywhere is stunning. The animals and people are all beautiful, and it feels like they have been just waiting to amaze us.

When I first visited Londolozi Game Preserve in South Africa in 2013, I felt like my soul had found its true home, and this trip felt exactly the same. Africa is the only place I’ve visited that gets better with every trip. I think I find my true self only when surrounded by wild things, because my truth is deeper than things I can buy or filling someone else’s expectations of success. 

My truth lies in conversations about simple things, a baby’s giggle, a hug when life seems too hard to bear, sharing a memory of past trials and triumphs. My truth is about validating pain as well as joy; dreams of the future and nightmares of the past. It’s all true, and it’s all I really want to talk about. And the people in Africa will go there with me. Africa is deep and ancient and the best kind of reality entertainment.

My challenge is to keep the sense of wonder and wildness while immersed in the ordinary, to keep African magic alive in my Northwest Florida heart. My hunch is success begins with writing again, creating a feeling with words that connects with the reader. To that end, what is important to you right now, dear reader? What chaps your hide or delights your soul? Let me know by emailing terrif@findyourpride.org or leave your answer in the comments on our Facebook page. Thank you for being a part of my magic!

XO

Terri

SOMETIMES YOU NEED TO BE SILENT

We all know the old adage, “Do as I say, not as I do;” well, that never works–especially with teenagers. What’s more effective with teens is a two to one (or greater) ratio of listening to talking. 

Teens spend their whole school day with adults talking to them, or, from their perspective, at them. When they come home, they don’t need another adult talking at them. If you can reduce your instructional time to leading by example while listening, then they will feel like there’s at least one adult who’s interested in what they are thinking and feeling. 

This will take an adjustment as a parent. Instead of surrounding your teen with hard and fast rules, like in elementary school, you pick a few rules that are really important to you and demonstrate the rest by your own actions.

For example, I wanted my picky 13-year-old to try more veggies. I read about green smoothies online and decided to make them for us. She wanted no part of their sludge-like consistency and appearance, so I let it go and just drank them myself. She saw the increase in my energy, as I was there to play with her and help with homework after school instead of plopping in front of the computer or T.V. in an exhausted Mommy-heap. 

Then her volleyball team came over for a social and asked me about the smoothie I was making. I offered them all a taste, and the rest is history. The smoothies were such a hit that I brought them to all future tournaments as a pre-game power burst. Now my little one drinks green smoothies daily; it’s become our thing. All I had to do was close my mouth and open my ears and heart.

SOMETIMES YOU ONLY NEED TO SAY A FEW WORDS

When dealing with prickly teens, the only two words you must have in your vocabulary are, “How can I help?” I take that back, “I’m sorry” and “It’s gonna’ be okay” are pretty important as well, but “How can I help?” tops the list.

As teenagers are more likely to ignore the part of what you’re saying that’s positive and focus on the critical, you could have a lot of very testy conversations. Instead of criticizing the way they’re doing something, offer to help them. It will turn you from an adversary to a teammate.

If you are trying to get your point across, and your teen isn’t getting it, it’s your responsibility to change the way you’re explaining it. Don’t just keep saying the same thing over and over, expecting different results. Einstein called this the definition of insanity.

I had an example of this dilemma this very day. I was trying to explain to my 13-year-old how we needed to figure out how to improve her math grades, as she had two B’s and one high C on her first three tests. She heard that I was fussing at her for not making A’s. I was saying that she was an A student, and if she wasn’t getting A’s, we needed to figure out why. 

When she turned to me with tears in her eyes, I stopped. It didn’t matter that I was trying to help; it didn’t work. So I said, “Baby, I’m sorry. I’m not explaining myself well. Let’s take a step back.” When I said I was sorry, the fight went out of her; from that point, we could start again. Except now we were on the same side. Pretty powerful stuff from two little words! 

XO

Terri

P.S. Let me know how this works for you and your teen by clicking HERE, or go here for Coaching.