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This is a big summer for our family, and it also feels like a finish line, of sorts. I remember when I had three teenagers, one preteen, and the accompanying hair pulling that went along with that. I could not imagine this finish line in the midst of worrying about middle school mean girls sucking my youngest dry, while also fretting over my middle kids’ boy choices: stinky boy, boy who greeted David, me, and the dog with “S’up?”, and that boy with a penchant for better living through chemistry – the cast of unsuitability was mind boggling!

Then there were worries over my small town girl making it in NYC. I had so many sleepless nights, wondering how I was going to fix the problems and heal the heartache. If I had a glimpse of where I am now, I would’ve put my feet up and relaxed…maybe. Relaxed is not my natural state.

This summer’s finish line looks like this: my eldest is due with her first child, my second granddaughter, in April, my youngest graduates from law school in early May, her big sister graduates with her Masters in Data Science on my birthday weekend, and my first grand-girl turns 5 and starts kindergarten in August!  All four girls have big jobs, my marriage is the best it’s ever been, and I have the world’s cutest dog looking at me like I hung the moon. This is all I ever dreamed.

Back in those dark days of adolescent angst, I just wanted them to make it home safe from Destin on the weekends. I had no idea that they had their own course to chart, and what I wanted had little to do with it. All we can do as parents is love our kids for who they are, not who we want them to be. And set an example of how we want them to grow by continuing to grow ourselves.

Focusing on family values is my key to growth. Ours are: 1. Kindness 2. Humor, and 3. Doing the right thing. When I get caught up in life‘s mundane worries, I am distracted from these simple guidelines. And then my kids will do something hilarious, and I’m reminded of what’s really important. As parents, we get bogged down in the details of the appearance of a strong family. But strength comes from trusting your kids to make choices that are right for them. If we can let go a little, our kids will surprise us.

Of course, this finish line is one of many. Every finish line, in my experience, is the beginning of something else. Sometimes easier, sometimes harder. But if we don’t celebrate the wins when they happen, we never get the feeling of accomplishment. And that’s the best thing about parenting, creating a legacy that will survive us.

XO

Terri

When I visited Londolozi Game Reserve in South Africa in 2013, I was obsessed with connection as the antidote to mean girl syndrome. I don’t know if it’s a syndrome or a disorder, but whatever you call it, it’s pervasive and soul-sucking and I want it to stop. 

When you learn the necessity of connection, then you dismantle the cornerstone of bullying and mean girl syndrome – distance. When we distance ourselves from whatever “them“ we decide is unworthy, then “they“ cease to be human. They cease to be someone you care to treat with respect. That is what I was thinking when I watched the lionesses play and hunt. They moved together as a unit because they were so connected. They trusted each other, and they sacrificed for each other.

That bond is what drew me in and lit up my brain like a pinball machine. Big cats are not herd animals, but the lionesses figured out they had to work together to survive. I kept extrapolating how I could use that image to inspire girls to act like the lionesses and band together as a pride (a group of lions). That’s what I yearned to create on my volleyball courts, a pride (team) of strong supportive sisters who faced challenges together.

And yet, I let that connection lapse in my own life. In pursuit of my passion, I stopped calling my own friends – my own pride of sassy lionesses. I would text from time to time, but I did not foster that connection.  Was I too busy to practice what I preach? I really just think I got distracted by that shimmering vision of making “Girl World” more supportive.

When I had a chance to raise my attention, and my nose from the grindstone, I realized how much distance I had allowed to build between me and my pride. Once I noticed the problem, then I could begin to solve it. I started calling my people. 

And now I’m on the plane to Virginia to spend time with my dearest friend, Johannah. We were roommates in boarding school 100 years ago. Johannah introduced herself on that first day with an Almond Roca – the best friendships are cemented with chocolate. We have both been through some stuff together: marriages, divorces (mine), raising strong girls, cancer, being entrepreneurs, and losing our parents. And still, we are bonded because we matter to each other; she is my people. In honor of Valentine’s Day, I’m spending more time with the people who matter to me. As we only have 24 hours in a day, I vow to take time away from trying to connect others to focus on the connections that feed my soul. Because, like the lionesses, I need my pride to thrive.

XO

Terri 

P.S. How will you show your people you love them? Email your thoughts to terrif@findyourpride.org or go HERE for help with building your own pride. 

Today is the day to reset my stress response which has been triggered multiple times over the last month, especially in the last two weeks. It’s been sort of hellish around here. Then again, that’s a perception viewed through my approval junkie, perfectionist glasses. I keep throwing them away, and then they pop up again like a disappearing/reappearing dryer sock. It’s kind of maddening that I have a pre-programmed external locus of control. 

Since I was raised in a household where the adults did not always have my best interest at heart, I learned to be very outwardly focused, to make sure that I wasn’t attracting any negative attention. This is the very definition of an external locus of control, where your environment controls your experience. As a kid, my household varied from threatening to confusing. In this environment, you never feel safe enough to look within for guidance.

But I can change that habit the same way I guide my clients to change it, with enduring practice. Like learning to play the piano, I want to practice changing my external locus of control to shift my attention inward. I want to develop an internal locus of control, where I look within for answers. Because, after all, I am the expert on all things Terri.

I want to:

Look within for validation.

Look within for support.

Look within for kindness.

Look within for compassion.

Look within for safety. 

This is just efficient since I am the only one I can really rely on to know what I need at any given moment. Instead of trying to find someone to agree with me and intuit what I need next (does this strategy ever work?), I will sit quietly with my journal and keep asking and answering the question, “What do I really need right now?” until I land on a truth that feels right to my heart.  

Yesterday the answer was “Rest”. So I put off this blog post until today. When I wrote my question this morning, the answer was, “Inspiration”. My quickest path to inspiration is helping someone feel less alone and weird for whatever ails them. If I can help one person feel understood by writing my own sad, scary, crappy thoughts, then I feel inspired. 

If you’re feeling murky, tired, and unsupported, try answering the question, “What do I really need right now?” on paper with an actual writing implement and see what floats up from your heart to your head. And then DO THAT THING! Don’t ask anyone’s permission or opinion. Listen to your own inner wisdom and help yourself again and again until you feel inspired to help another. 

XO

Terri

P.S. If you so desire, share your answers with me at terrif@findyourpride.org. If you need a little help creating your internal locus of control, click https://girlpowerforgood.org/life-coach/.

Happy New Year, y’all! I have high hopes for 2022 being better than 2021; yes, I keep my expectations low. When talking to teen and adult clients about New Year’s Resolutions, I heard a very similar refrain–hope for possible success alongside a fear of failure. We all know that most New Year’s resolutions don’t last until February. Why? Because we think willpower is required, when all we really need is a new habit.

Willpower will not last. We cannot force our way into happiness. What works is a well-defined goal based on a true inner desire, followed by the creation of a new habit to support that goal.

Like this: let’s say I want to lose 10 pounds. When I ask myself why I want to lose 10 pounds, the answer is because I want to feel more energetic and confident in my clothes. It’s not really pounds on the scale I’m after, because a scale is a terrible fitness gauge (if you add weight training, and you ought to, you may reduce a whole size and still weigh the same). I want to feel more confident and energetic. So, I look for habits that will support these states. Three things that have always worked for my confidence and energy are 1. Morning pages (journaling), 2. Awareness around food, and 3. Meditation. 

I’ve started using a habit tracker app (I LOVE an app!), where I put four daily habits that I know will lead to more energy: 1. 30 minutes of exercise, any kind of moving my body counts. 2. writing down what I eat, three times a day. 3. Three pages of any kind of writing on any size page. 4. Ten minutes of meditation. In my life coach training I learned that it takes four days to create a pattern and 21 days to create a habit. Yesterday was day # 7 in a row, 14 more and it’s a habit. 

Since I do this for a living, I’m also looking at habits that drain my energy. One of my biggest numbing behaviors is eating junk food. The most direct habit that leads to this numbing behavior is eating in front of the television. All I need is a different habit to replace it. I choose knitting. I can’t stuff my face mindlessly, if my hands are busy creating something. Now when I sit to watch a show, I grab my knitting. Less junk food, more hats–I call that a win/win!

So pick some feeling states that you want for 2022, and create some habits around those. Here’s a 4 step plan:

1. Break down goals into feeling states. Then create action steps for those feeling states.
2. Reward yourself when you complete each action step – fun helps habits stick.
3. Attach your new habit to something you’re already doing, and make it ridiculously easy!
4. Ask for help from YOUR people (people who support you just as you are).

The most important step is you realize that you cannot create self-care habits by shaming yourself, so just STOP it!  Try these for 4 days and note how you feel, then keep going until you create new habits and a stronger, more vibrant YOU! Let me know how it goes at terrif@findyourpride.org or go here for more help.

XO

Terri

Welcome to the holiday season, y’all! Or in the immortal words of Stanley Tucci, “gird your loins.“ If you’re feeling overwhelmed by the time warp of the holidays (seriously, how can the six weeks from pre-Thanksgiving to New Year’s feel like two weeks to get things done and also a year to put up with sincerely un-cheery people?) then my best life coaching strategy is to Back. It. Up.

Lower your expectations of how much you have to do for the perfect holiday season. Because most of what you think is crucial isn’t really. Most of the things I think I need to do to make a perfect Christmas nobody even notices, and logic dictates they wouldn’t miss them either. 

For instance, you are receiving this blog post in a newsletter that is a week late. I decided to take my own words literally and rest my poor migraine-addled brain instead of trying to finish on time. If you were heartbroken that you didn’t receive it last Sunday, I’m sending you light and love, but I’ve grown too ancient to not walk my talk. The more likely possibility is that you are in your own holiday time warp, and you didn’t notice. Also, no video this time, but imagine me sending you warm words of holiday cheer.

So, be really honest with yourself. What can you take off your list of things that “NEED to be done or Christmas will be crappy and you will be considered a terrible parent/child/spouse”? Spoiler alert, no one thinks you’re terrible, and if they do, that’s more about them than it is about you.

Lower your expectations to attention based TODOs. All your family really wants is a fun time together. Can you prioritize time just hanging with family, playing games, baking cookies, doing Christmas crafts? Those are all the TODOs that make memories. So how do you prioritize? With discernment. 

What do you keep of your list items and what do you pitch? What do you need to do now and what can wait until later? In this hunger games of prioritizing what’s important this holiday season, might I humbly suggest that you do less and self-care more?

Back it up.

Can you name me one gift that you remember from five Christmases ago? I can’t. What I can remember is making snowmen/ snow-women in the image of family members, complete with personality quirks and hobbies. My snow-mom had knitting needles and yarn in her pipe cleaner “hands“, and my middle daughter‘s snow-girl had a Guitar, KISS make-up, and a mohawk. THAT’S a holiday memory! And we are re-doing the snow-people craft this Christmas, because our family now includes two sons-in-law and one granddaughter.

We have grown as a family, so our holiday traditions adapt. That’s what happens without rigid expectations, Families can grow organically with all their freak flags flying proudly. 

Let’s all chant together in this on-ramp to Christmas, “I will buy less, do less, and love more. When feeling overwhelmed, I will BACK IT UP!”

I wish you the merriest of holidays, as this is the last blog of the year, and we will reconnect in 2022. In the meantime, I will be baking, crafting, playing games with my large and sassy family while drinking artisan cocktails. If you want to share our cocktails and benefit our scholarship fund, get a Cornteen Cocktail Book for yourself (scroll down the homepage to find it)! 

Until we meet again,

XO

Terri

P.S. If this post moved you, please tell me all about it at terrif@findyourpride.org If you need help recovering from the holidays, click here!

We are well into our third century of being a democracy, a government created by our founding
fathers with the intention of being ruled by the people, for the people. Unfortunately, the people
to which they referred were only people who looked like them. Still, it was infinitely better than
the monarchy that came before it.

Yet, even a dictatorship is preferable to the system ruling our awareness now. A system that
has been created by a 24-hour news cycle and omniscient social media presence: a Drama-
cracy, where the rulers are not the most qualified, or learned, they’re just the loudest with the
most dramatic platform. Or as my husband says, people who are famous for being famous.
There is no merit-based fame in this system, and the participants are rarely creating anything
except noise and beautifully lit photo ops.

Wherever I go anymore, I watch moms pose their kids in the perfect shot, everybody smiling
and adorable, then the phone clicks and the mom is busy editing while the kids play alone.
When did our value reduce to what can fit in a photo? Where is the human condition in all these
perfect posts? Where is the disappointment, loneliness, struggle and endurance? Grit is not
pretty, but it is the only choice for lasting growth.

What if we built a governing structure for our own lives that does democracy right, where
equality of choice reigns supreme? Where compassion and compromise are the rule of law.
Where the ruling premise is to “do the right thing” in any given moment. We must begin to focus
on how this moment is, not just how it looks. Each day would involve less time documenting
your life, and more time living it. We would choose to spend less time designing a post of the
perfect experience and more time enjoying an experience exactly as it is, flawed and authentic.
It’s your time and your choice to create a world that looks messier and more attainable. You
might not have an Instagram-worthy, perfectly framed life, but you can have a real life, where
humans care about other humans and show it in small moments of quiet grace. Life would be
holding the door for someone when their hands are full, or giving up your seat on a crowded
train to someone who looks like they need it. Or just a smile and a wave at your neighbor as you
pass them on the street.

In my democracy, the rule of law would be doing the right thing, just because it’s right for that
moment, and choosing compassion for yourself and others, leaving the drama to the arts. My
first step is to shut off the noise and make something with my hands. Right now, I’m knitting hats
for my loved ones, while I watch quirky comedies and allow my brain to rest. How will you
overthrow the Drama-cracy? Tell me all about it at terrif@findyourpride.org. If you need a little
help detoxing from drama, click HERE.

XO
Terri

I am a reformed perfectionist. In my previous life, the worst, most dreaded result, whether
personally or professionally, was a mistake. I would double check EVERYTHING multiple times
to avoid mistakes. I would create elaborate back-up plans in case of change. What was the
result? I was anxious 75% of the time and really angry the other 25%. Sure, all of my CDs were
alphabetically organized, but I couldn’t sleep because I was so wound up all the time.

And I would make really big mistakes while trying to avoid small ones. Like the time I forgot to
secure a travel visa for my hubby to go to Ghana, the first stop on a four stop photo safari.
Without the visa, he would be kept in a holding area (IN GHANA) until they could arrange for a
plane out. I fixed it, and we’re still married. The point is that I spent so much energy trying to
avoid little mistakes and be perfect, that the anxiety resulted in BIG mistakes that affected more
than just me.

Then I found life coaching, and I realized that mistakes were normal—anxiety was the enemy
for a happy life.

Who Knew?

Mistakes happen because we are humans living a life of constantly changing circumstances.
We can do one thing one way today, and that same exact method won’t work the following
week—because something has shifted. Given that premise, it makes doing things right versus
making a mistake not quite so black and white. 

What is right and wrong? Can’t the same action be right or wrong depending upon the
circumstances? If that’s true, then what is a mistake but a lesson in something not to do exactly
like that again? The challenge is avoiding the shame game that wastes time and energy;
instead, find the lesson in the mistake. Because the mistake isn’t the most important thing. It’s
our reaction to it that’s really interesting.

After years of making mistakes, I found there are two choices when responding to a mistake, 1)
Rant, rave and tear out your hair for being so stupid OR, 2) You can accept responsibility,
forgive yourself, and move forward. Discover what lesson you learned so as not to repeat THAT
mistake again. Here’s how this played out in my life last week.

850 Elite had volleyball camps in the morning, where I was Ms. Susie Cream Cheese, the
cheery check-in gal. I love this job, because I can put new girls at ease. They see a slightly
wacky, friendly face when they first walk in the door, so they can stop being quite so scared.
They realize this might actually be fun! Since I had to leave my house 45 minutes earlier than
normal, my morning routine changed. I missed my meditation one day and then forgot to do it
later in the day. This doesn’t seem like a big deal EXCEPT that I was on day 159 of daily
meditation working toward my 180 day badge on Headspace…WTF? I just blew a 159 day
streak of awesome meditation! How could I be so stupid and careless to ignore my own self-
care in the middle of self-care week for fig’s sake? See, this is what Option #1 looks like—icky,
right? I gave myself five minutes of venting time, and then I moved onto Option #2.

Forgiveness.

It was a busy week. I was distracted by a new routine, and I’m a flipping human (sorry about all
the faux cussing; I tend to cuss when I’m mad—a habit taught to me by my dear mother). It’s not like meditation is really supposed to be goal oriented anyway. It’s just my old need to win at
everything, including mindfulness, which is NOT a contest, dude!

So, I began again with a new plan: when there is a schedule change, put meditation first. Right
after letting out the dog and making coffee – and before anything else. It’s a better plan than
wandering my house puttering before meditation. It also adds a new twist to puttering, since
meditation creates an intentional feel to the puttering. I may never have learned this without
making this mistake! And that’s what Option #2 feels like—so much better!

Choosing Option #2 turns a mistake into a growth opportunity. Neat trick, right?

Try it for yourself this week, when you make a mistake, forgive yourself ASAP, and then write it
on the board at GPS. Proclaim your choice of kindness toward yourself and notice how different
that choice feels! Then when that sinks in, try forgiving someone else for their
mistakes—chances are, they’re human, too.

XO
Terri

When I started empowering girls through team sports and life coaching, I didn’t do it as a way of
paying back. I empower girls, because I know what it feels like to go it alone. I didn’t have
mentors, coaches or parents who were supportive and encouraging. I’m not whining; I’m just
stating facts. Financial support was there, but emotional support, not so much.
But make no mistake, I see the value in deprivation. Without deprivation, there’s no clear path to
appreciation. Every time I help a girl realize how strong and capable she is, it’s like I’m helping
my own middle/high school self. I love the full circle-ness of my deprivation creating the
motivation to give other girls what I lacked.

This deprivation to appreciation focus runs through my life. For instance, most of us don’t
appreciate indoor plumbing, it’s just the status quo. It was only when I started life coaching
clients in South Africa that I began to see turning a faucet to get clean water as a gift. I don’t
have to wait for the water truck to arrive and then haul the jugs back to my house for water to
cook and bathe. My friends weren’t complaining about their lack of plumbing. In fact, they are
the most generous, kind and joyful people I know.

In my work on this side of the world, I find the deprivation that affects most of my clients has
more to do with quiet than plumbing. We suffer from a lack of peace and stillness. Stillness is a
balm to an anxious brain. It allows us to see that we create our own peace deprivation, and we
can change that. 

We don’t have to quit all screens and sit in lotus pose to get the benefits of deprivation. We can
start with delaying our gratification, or attaching it to something that we know is good for us.
Instead of watching a show while sitting on the couch, you can delay it until you ride a stationary
bike or walk on a treadmill. That way, you can pair a guilty pleasure with something that will pay
dividends in stress, and butt, reduction.

Once you’re creating little pockets of time through delayed gratification, maybe you fill that
space with meditation. I love Headspace, because you can start with a 1 minute meditation. By
depriving yourself of screen and phone time, you will begin appreciating stillness. Notice how
much that stillness improves your clarity when you plug back into life. 

I am most appreciative of you, dear readers. I remember a time when my audience was only
people related to me. Your continued support feels like a virtual hug to my past and current self,
thank you!

XO
Terri

P.S. Where can you build a little deprivation-to-appreciation into your day by starting with a little
delayed gratification? Tell me all about it at terrif@findyourpride.org or go here
https://girlpowerforgood.org/life-coach/ for more help.