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In the middle of our new world of “nothing is certain” drops the ancestral stressor called Back-to-School—seriously? There are so many Back to School options: 1. wear a mask, don’t wear a mask? 2. In person school or home school? 3. Send a gallon of sanitizer or wear a hazmat suit? Ok that last one was just thrown in to see if you were paying attention. It’s all so confusing, kinda’ like the act of parenting.

Parenting is always steeped in anxiety about the unknown. It’s building the plane while you’re flying it, with the possibility of crashing into a mountain while you’re reading the manual. It’s always been this way, but no one tells you that when you’re trying to get pregnant, with visions of adoring children who are neatly dressed and never talk back. That’s how they propagate the species, with parental fiction. The reality of parenting is messy and exhausting, with occasional moments of such crystalline beauty that it takes your breath away. The difference between these two states is your perspective.

It’s never the circumstances that cause stress, it’s your reaction to the circumstances.

We have little to no control over the circumstances, but we have total control over our reactions. If we freak out, our kids freak out and things get much worse. If we stay calm, our kids will stay calm. When calm, we can problem solve with a clear head. How do you stay calm? It’s as easy as 3 DEEP BREATHS.

If your daughter plays volleyball for 850 Elite, she already knows about the 3 Deep Breath method. I preach it consistently as a way to calm the nerves before serving or to recover after missing a serve, pass or hit. But it works in every anxious situation. 

When we are stressed, our body senses a threat and goes into Fight, Fight or Freeze mode. Cortisol and adrenaline levels skyrocket in our bloodstream, raising our heart rate and reducing our ability to focus. You can reverse this trend with 3 Deep Breaths. Stopping to focus on filling your belly with breath and slowly exhaling while closing your eyes, three times in a row, can return you to sanity. For bonus points, say “Inhale strength-Exhale doubt” to yourself or out loud. 

I’m such a fan that I set an alarm on my phone thrice daily that says, “Take 3 breaths”. This keeps my habitual anxiety at bay. Try it right now. Better yet, try it with your kids and let me know the results at terrif@findyourpride.org !

XO

Terri

I spend a lot of time talking about kindness, because I believe it’s the antidote to most of the ills in our culture. It’s also the MOST important thing to teach your kids. Kindness first, and grit (a willingness to try your hardest, fail, and just keep trying) a close second. We are a culture who values coolness above all things, and the path to cool can be littered with cruelty.

Think of any time in your life that you’ve tried to be cool. Most often your coolness is at the expense of another person. That’s the foundation of the Mean Girl Syndrome, a disease I’ve been trying to eradicate with my teen empowerment coaching. The heart of my mission is to build up the Girl Power inside each of us, so we can then use that power for good, preferably to build up another girl, and so on, and so on. The cornerstone of all that empowerment is kindness.

I’m building my kindness muscles with a course I’m taking led by the amazing Alexandra Franzen, writing coach extraordinaire. This course is about asking and receiving. For most of us it’s easier to give than to receive, so she started us out with one tiny gesture of kindness each day. It is rocking my world! I think I’m a kind person, but this is intentional. Every day one tiny gesture. It has changed the way I look at other people. My judgy side is weakening, which makes being a human much easier.

Kindness is a choice in any situation. My advice for teens extends to all of us. Let’s say you are with a group of friends and there’s a quirky girl next to you who doesn’t look or act like you. You have a choice to ignore her, because she might make you uncomfortable, or you can embrace her differences and say something kind. Complement one thing about her—hair, smile or choice of reading material, anything. Find a point of connection and make it stronger. It doesn’t have to be anything earth shattering, just a noticing of the difference and then finding a place where you are the same. Putting effort into making other people feel like they are accepted, even admired, for exactly who they are is a form of kindness that creates ripples of good will. And creating that ripple will make you, and whoever you’re with, feel more confident.

Confidence born of kindness is the only kind of cool that’s really cool. If we can all stop striving for an aloof mirage of coolness and instead let our heart shine, we can stop bullying in its tracks. We can make the Mean Girl Syndrome a thing of the past. We can turn our beauty contest culture into a pride of lionesses, and you know how I feel about lionesses!

XO

Terri

P.S. I challenge you to try one tiny act of kindness every day this week, and then notice how you feel. Tell me all about it at terrif@findyourpride.org

P.P.S. If you want to check out Alexandra for yourself, go to www.alexandrafranzen.com

This past Friday ended a quarantine brought on by an exposure to a positive person—remember when being positive was a good thing? Staying in my house should also be a good thing, as it’s lovely, but this time I felt trapped. When I feel trapped or anxious, the binge monster knocks on my door. And when the Binge Monster comes to visit, all hell breaks loose.

It started with a lovely day where nothing HAD to be done; some would call this a vacation day. I call it an invitation to worry about not doing anything, because I determine my worth by how much I accomplish in a day. Yes, I know this is a whole other blog topic. As I looked around my peaceful house, with a whole day unfolding before me, I got that antsy feeling that cried for me to numb the anxiety. I tried binge watching a show that was terrific, but that binge didn’t calm the beast. I needed sugar and salt in mass quantities, and I needed them NOW!

I won’t describe the next 4 hours, because it’s too painful, but suffice it to say I ate my own weight in Dove chocolate and tortilla chips. I realize that me telling you this may lower your opinion of me as a life coach, but I’m doing it anyway, because my work depends upon me being authentic. If my pain can help one person find their way out of pain, then it’s totally worth it. Also, I found a trick to quiet the monster.

I realized in the middle of the binge that I had a choice. I could shove the next little Dove into my mouth in a shameful manner, working my way toward numbness, or I could look the monster in the eye and say, “I choose to eat this piece of chocolate, and you have no control over me.” The minute I put myself in the driver’s seat, the monster loosened his grip. Then I kicked it up a notch and showed myself compassion by grabbing my journal to write all the ways that I deserved better than numbing myself with food and Netflix. In a very short time, I returned to my version of normal.

When the monster knocked the following day, I noticed the desire to numb and got on my bike instead. I know in my bones that sweating makes everything better, so I bribed the monster with a promise for as much chocolate as I wanted after 10 minutes of sweat. Once I started to sweat, it felt so good I rode for 35 minutes, and the desire to eat faded away. And the next day, I tamed the monster with an embroidery project, because making something with my hands makes me happy. When I’m aware of my gifts, when I can see the beauty around me, the binge monster can’t take me hostage.

I can’t tame the beast with will power, avoidance or logic, I can only tame it with awareness, distraction and compassion. This in no way minimizes addiction, but I don’t have an addiction. I do have a stress habit borne from years of trying to numb my anxiety in response to feeling threatened. If you have a version of the same habit, try the awareness/distraction/compassion technique, and let me know what works for you, and what doesn’t, by sending a note to terrif@findyourpride.org

XO

Terri

Striving for Extraordinary Sucks!

I was raised by wolves. That’s part of the title of my first book, Field Guide to Plugged-In Parenting…even if you were raised by wolves. My parents weren’t bad people, they were really cool, but they were terrible caretakers. The only time I got a passing glance was when I did something extraordinary, like reading from an encyclopedia when I was 4 for a group of my mother’s friends. When I performed like a tiny blonde seal, they would tell me how special I was and then leave me with other people to go out and live their extraordinary lives.

Parenting is a job, and my parents outsourced it; my childhood was the equivalent of a call center in Bangladesh. I was surrounded by people who were supposedly the experts in charge of my needs, but we couldn’t understand each other very well. These minders were, mostly, well meaning, but they did not parent me–because they weren’t my parents. So, I would wait for my people to return from whatever adventure they were having, bullfights in Spain (yes, my dad trained to be a matador) or driving race cars in Europe, to come home and be with me. When they did, my little brain would push me to be extraordinary enough, so that they would stay for a while.

I’m still trying to be extraordinary. Waiting for a parent figure (publisher, website designer, or even my clients) to tell me how wonderful I am and how much I have helped them, so that I can feel like I matter. In the past, I have put all of this approval hustling before my own parenting, effectively repeating the neglect cycle. I was there physically for my kids, but mentally I was checked out, on the hunt for more people to assure me I was extraordinary. Kids won’t do that for you. All they will do is love you back and show you a different, simpler way to be content, if you take the time to be in their world with them.

I still feel that pull, that longing, to make a difference so I can get my hit of “special” dopamine, but I’m getting better at stopping to parent when the moment arises. I stop a meeting to take a call from my daughters, to make sure they’re okay. I put aside the email or blog post when my college girl wants to watch a show or to help her edit a paper, because my children matter more. I will put in the time and effort now, so that I have a true connection when I’m older. When the world slows down for me, and I don’t have any more clients or readers, I want to have established a deep and abiding connection with the humans I raised, as well as the human I married.

I saw my mom suffer when she was aged, because she was lonely. I did what she needed, but we didn’t have a “hanging out” relationship–because she didn’t put in the time when it really mattered. I want to be a better parent than what was patterned for me. I want to put in the ordinary time that really matters and put aside the need to be extraordinary for other people. Because that push to be extraordinary sucks time, energy and joy. I don’t want to live a life that sucks. I want a life filled with ordinary moments that make my heart smile. If I put in the ordinary time with people I love, will my life be more extraordinary as a result? I don’t know. Let’s try it together and see!

XO

Terri

P.S. If you liked this post, drop me a line at terrif@findyourpride.org and tell me why. It would make my day!

I am pondering independence on this independence day weekend. What stops me from being free?

1. Self-doubt: in all it’s insidious forms. The nagging voice that tells me I’m too old or irrelevant to help empower girls to make their best choices. The gremlins that steal my sleep when something goes wrong (like a pandemic), telling me it’s all on my shoulders to fix it, and fix it perfectly. The oldest, deepest voice that whispers I’m really not good enough, after all.

2. Drama: and all those who worship at its feet. Yes, I’d love to be free of nasty, rumor-mongering drama, but, alas, it’s bigger than me. Where there are unhappy people with low self-esteem, there will be drama. What I can do is let it roll off me, like water off a fabulous raincoat. If I can hold that image of the words and actions of the drama queen and her court hitting my fabulous coat and bouncing off, then I can smile and carry-on.

3. Bad habits (See #1): most of the habits that do not serve me center around self-doubt and numbing to avoid it, like binge watching crime dramas instead of playing with my dog or taking a walk. Or staring at the wall, tied up in anxious knots, instead of moving towards a solution to untie them. Fortunately, I know how to change a bad habit: a) notice it when it’s happening, b) say, out loud or in my head, “I’m not doing that anymore“ and then c) do something, anything, else instead. Rinse and repeat until said action is no longer a habit. It’s time well spent.

4. Judgement of self and others (See #2): As long as I judge others, I cannot help them. Because some of those drama mamas are just over their heads and could use a hand. Judging others, no matter the circumstances, creates distance. As long as I waste time in judgment, of others or myself, I won’t have the time and energy to fulfill my mission of empowering girls to make their best choices. 

Being free of this list makes me feel light and powerful. Just knowing that it’s possible to sidestep this list of doom and make a different choice for my one precious life makes me feel independent, indeed. Celebrate the independence that our ancestors fought so hard for by breaking free of your list of doom. If you need some help, drop me a line at terrif@findyourpride.org.

XO

Terri

You’d be amazed at how much energy I put into planning for the perfect outcome. And more importantly how much of that energy is wasted. Take last week for instance. On my way to sign in our Grassroots players, College Blvd. was blocked by construction. I was diverted by the nice construction man and then panicked that the Grassroots folks weren’t going to be able to make their clinic. I rushed to the gym to hurriedly put out a Facebook post with an alternative route. It was high anxiety time, with me as the Hero, saving parents from wandering the wilds of Valparaiso. Except for one small fact – no one saw the post. And everyone had maps on their phones, so they found their own alternative route.

My anxiety and “crucial” Facebook post was, like most of the anxiety in my life, useless.

My brain has always operated at a high anxiety level. I think it’s a result of being raised in a household that was not safe. When my parents were at DEFCON 1, which was most of the time, my best course of action was to hide, while staying alert for an escalation in warfare. I thought if I could stay vigilant, I could save the situation. All I really did was give myself an ulcer at age 13, followed by a lifetime of misplaced fretting.

This latest “crisis“ reminded me that my highest and best choice for success always lies in staying calm. My superpower is problem-solving in the moment from a place of calm calculation, not frenzied planning to avoid the threat of other people being distressed. Their distress is not my business. Devising clear solutions to actual problems is.

My whole life has been a journey to counter my upbringing in drama and chaos, to choose a calm sense of readiness. Instead of playing mental chess with possible outcomes, I can stop and meditate, putting my energy into maintaining a clear mind. That is the path to success for me, not putting energy into feverish planning that often ends up making no difference at all. My challenge is to notice when the frenzy begins. If I can notice my desire to “save” grown-ass adults who don’t need saving, I can stop, take a deep breath, and wait for an actual problem to solve. 

Everyone has a choice to let past experiences dictate current actions OR to make a new choice that creates a better habit. What is your least effective habitual pattern? Tell me all about it at terrif@findyourpride.org.

XO

Terri

We are a society of quick fixes. We have fast food, grocery pick up, streaming shows on demand, and anything our little brains want can be shipped to our door in a matter of hours by Amazon. This is a thing in big cities, y’all. I ordered my Chicago daughter a book on Prime, and she had it in her hot little hand that afternoon! One thing we don’t do well is to work long and hard at something without hope of an instant reward. Delayed gratification is one of my biggest challenges.

I like stuff now. But the good stuff takes time, by design. If it’s really good, it’s worth the wait. Take my beloved husband, for instance. We grew up in the same town and knew a lot of the same people, but we never met. I had to go through countless relationships, kissed a LOT of frogs, and married a few, before I found my prince. And then we WORKED at it. 

Happily ever after doesn’t just happen, it takes work and the patience of a saint.

Every time I pick up his dirty socks in places that dirty socks should not be, I sigh and say, “He’s worth it.“ He’s worth the time and effort, because he’s my person. All the flashy, cool people come and go, and he is still here, making me food and cocktails and holding my hand when things get weird and baffling. We are going on 24 years together, some amazing, some crappy and scary, and we are still here. Because we are worth the time and effort.

I spoke with a volleyball mom the other day about camps. I asked about the skill level of her daughter to advise her on the right camp. I said, “How long has she played, and what is her skill level?“ The mom said, “She’s played once, but she was very good. Not advanced, but very skilled.“ You cannot be skilled at volleyball, or any complex task, after one time, one week, one month, or one year. It takes lots of time, effort, and repetition to develop complex skills, and 10,000 hours to attain mastery according to Malcolm Gladwell, one of my favorite authors and podcasters. When my volleyball girls whine about not making a serve or shanking a pass, I tell them, “If you haven’t put in 10,000 hours, then you have nothing to complain about. KEEP PRACTICING!“

Anyone can give up when things get tough. I wanted to give up on my sweetie a few times in the last 24 years, but we stuck it out. Now we’ve gotten to the mastery of being together. It’s so much easier, because we’ve practiced what not to do and what to keep on doing more. So, if you have something that’s really important to you, know that it will take time, attention, and grit to attain mastery. What is worth your time and attention for the long haul, and what isn’t? Write it down and send it to me at terrif@findyourpride.org — it would make my day!

XO

Terri

Remember that movie, where the Boss says,”We have a ZERO tolerance for failure!” and we all thought, “That’s so impressive!” Well, we were wrong. If you aren’t failing, you aren’t trying hard enough. We cannot grow if we don’t push our comfort zone. We could stay inside our cozy bubble and keep doing the same thing, the same way, hoping for a different result, but isn’t that Einstein’s definition of insanity?

Failure teaches us lessons that success never will, like humility, resilience, and discernment. I’m a big proponent of pushing to failure, because it scares me so much. And, usually, things that scare me make me better. That’s what happened on October 22, 2019, after looking at a picture of myself at my beloved daughter’s wedding. I was roughly the size of a barn, and I felt nauseous and old. I had no energy, and my body ached 24/7. So, I started a new eating regime on My Fitness Pal and lost 20 lbs. But that’s not the important part. The last 2 months of working with Dr. Jenn Gaddy, Sports Medicine Physical Therapist, has been a game changer. 

I hadn’t done any strength training in years when I started with Dr. Jenn, so every day was a lesson in failure: I failed to do one full push-up, I failed to complete a set of squats without losing form, and I failed at everything but showing up. These failures begat a lot of stories about how I was in my late 50’s, and I should just accept my fate. The stories went on and on every time I put on my gear and headed for my daily dose of suckage. So, why didn’t I quit? 1) I’m really stubborn (my best and worst quality), and 2) I know that failure is the only way to see real change.

I preach failure to all my volleyball girls. Every time you miss a serve or shank a pass, you have learned another way NOT to serve and pass. If you can take the judgment out of it, failure is just data. It’s an excellent way of discovering what not to do. If we can focus on the data, it’s a fast pass to growth. BTW, I’m down 30 lbs. and up to two sets of twelve full push ups, and I ordered single digit clothing for the first time in twenty years. More importantly, my body feels like it’s working for me, not against me.

What would you try if you embraced failure? If you’re interested in your own strength journey, you, too, can work with Dr. Jenn, because (SPOILER ALERT) she’s moving her practice to 850 Elite! You and your player can get on the strength train and feel true Girl Power!

XO
Mama T.

P.S. If anything in this blog moved you, message me at terrif@findyourpride.org and tell me all about your best failure. It would make my day!