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Imposter Syndrome

Tell the Imposter Syndrome to Take a Hike!

In all the corporate coaching I’ve done, the most interesting trait I’ve noticed in highly successful women is the Imposter Syndrome. You can call it a lack of self confidence, but it’s more than that. Successful women can simultaneously hold the belief in their ability to do exceptional work and a feeling that someone will find out that they really aren’t good enough to be in a position of power. 

There’s a bone deep reticence to shine. A feeling that if we let our light shine, someone will try to extinguish it. 

Take me for instance. When I was doing my book tour, with stops in Virginia, Georgia, San Diego and Washington D.C., I was on TV and radio…a lot. Even after dozens of interviews, I would have to overcome the urge to hurl in order to paste on a smile and talk about parenting. Deep down, I felt like I had no right to be there, since I didn’t have any letters after my name, no doctorate in psychology to back me up. As if I hadn’t met numerous psychologists who had kids who were nightmares walking. 

I had raised three children from scratch, and one from the age of 16, and they were all good citizens and people you would want to invite to dinner. Small aside: kudos to my hubbie for the patience and support MVP. Because I did the discipline, parenting plan and chaos mitigation, and he did everything else. In fact, we were waxing poetic on our deck last week about how satisfied we are with our kids. If I weren’t their mom, I would want to hang out with them. They are funny, smart and kind, just the way I hoped they would turn out!

So, why wouldn’t I be thrilled to talk about my parenting experience, since I was obviously good at it? Imposter syndrome, that’s why. Who am I to think I can help other people with parenting? Who am I to think I can make a difference in the world by empowering teen girls, since I don’t have credentials beyond a B.A. in English Literature and a burning desire to help girls shine their light.

How can I help them do what makes me so uncomfortable? Practice. I just keep showing up and doing the thing. I tell my Inner Judge to go take a nap, ‘cause Mama T is busy making magic right now. If I listened to that voice dripping with disdain and caution, I might not make it out of bed in the morning. The choice is mine whether to show up and be vulnerable and keep trying or to cave and stay safe in my lovely bubble. It doesn’t matter if we feel like an imposter in our success, the success part rules. The only person that can stop us from shining our light is us. 

XO

Terri

P.S. if you need help shining your light, send me an email at terrif@findyourpride.org, or go here for life-coaching packages https://girlpowerforgood.org/life-coach/ 

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Baby Steps (How do you eat an elephant?)

How Do You Eat An Elephant?

We are in the middle of moving, and my inner neat freak has blown a gasket. I loathe chaos with the red hot intensity of a thousand suns, and moving is all chaos. However, I told you guys last blog that it was time for a New Year’s Evolution, so I’m taking my own advice. For any goal, big or small, you must be patient and move forward incrementally. Like the old joke, “How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.” Those small bites are “Baby Steps.” I know we are talking about them again, but by definition, it takes a lot of Baby Steps to achieve a big goal.

If you are embarking on a New Year’s Evolution, maybe your goal is to be fit enough to run a 5 K without keeling over, you need baby steps. A baby step might be to set an alarm on your phone for 10 minutes and research fitness apps. When the alarm goes off, you’re done. If you’re feeling charged, take another baby step, just be sure and stop the second you feel resistance.  

A baby step should be so ridiculously easy, that your inner resistance is quieted. The feeling of a baby step is, “this is too easy, it can’t possibly make a difference.” But it will. It’s the only way to achieve a big, multi-faceted goal. Unlike the cultural guideline of setting a goal and then marshalling your way forward with single minded focus, letting nothing stop you, baby steps actually work. That other thing will only leave you exhausted and feeling like a slug. No one can keep up a pace like that for long.  

When I started my journey towards fitness, all I did was commit to 30 minutes of walking for 30 days. I played with My Fitness Pal and liked the recipes, so I added that in. That felt easy to me. If that sounds like too much, then cut it in half until it feels ridiculously easy.

With my goal of packing/unpacking my house, I used 30 minutes on, then a 15 minute break. At first, I didn’t need a 15 minute break. I’d read for 10 minutes, and I felt refreshed. By the end of the day, I pared it down to 20 minutes on 10 minutes off. I asked for help with the things I couldn’t do alone, like furniture, and I delegated things that I didn’t need to be in charge of, like my hubbie’s stuff. After a week and a half, I can see the bones of what my new home will be, and it’s lovely. I keep the boxes in the garage or tucked away until their turn is up, so the chaos doesn’t freeze me. And then I slowly move forward toward a home that feels like a hug when you walk in the door. 

This is the power of baby steps. They keep you moving forward. They are so easy, you don’t give up, and you don’t feel like you’re being pushed toward a goal. You are in the driver’s seat. I wrote my whole book one 15 minute Baby Step at a time. If you want to take a gander at the results go here: http://bit.ly/FieldGuideToPIP , or just ask at the front desk of 850 Elite. Baby steps are powerful, try one and let me know how it goes at terrif@findyourpride.org .

XO
Terri 
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New Year’s Evolution

(253) Try a New Year’s Evolution – YouTube

It’s a new year, y’all, and the resolutions are flying thick and fast, or not. My Inner Viking looooves a resolution. Write down a goal for the New Year and then steamroller everything in my life in the pursuit of that one goal—that’s the way to a better life, or is it? 

For one thing, 2020 kicked my butt and made me question all the ways I try to live a better life and why that’s even a thing. Two weeks with my kids all back under my roof made me question my incessant need for improvement. What’s so bad about my life as it is right now? My kids are AMAZING adults, all sassy and full of possibilities, striding forth into their 2021 with courage and humor. If parenting good citizens was my life’s goal, one I wrote a whole book about, then I believe I have achieved that goal. My resolution of the last 29 years is resolved. Now what?

I’m just spitballing here, but what about a New Year’s Evolution? What if we shelved the resolutions for a little while to apply critical thinking to what would make us feel more content and joyful? Let’s examine the rules we’ve been using to shape our lives and why they are, or are not, the way we want to live. Then let’s evolve a little with my tried and true method of changing stuff for the better—baby steps.

Evolving involves a lot of baby steps, steps so small that your inner resistance is lulled into submission. If your evolution is to be a writer, then writing something, anything, is going to be top of your list. Instead of looking at the blank first page of a whole book, try cozying up to one small page in a journal. Use a pretty gel pen to ease into it. This is how I wrote my first book,15 minutes at a time in my journals.

I’m using baby steps to ease into my next evolution of student/teacher. I want to further my education because: 1. I LIKE school; they give you a sure fire way to succeed (study) and immediate feedback (grades), 2. I love to learn, as I can feel myself expanding with each new lesson, and 3. I feel more confident when I’m evolving. I’m using baby steps to fill out graduate school applications. While it’s scary to go from teacher to student, if I don’t evolve, I will be doing exactly the same damn thing next year. Static is not a good look for me, as it leads to numbing behaviors designed to fill the Talenti sized hole in my soul. It’s much better for me to evolve, even if it’s scary.

If you are up for an evolution, join me in defining what you want to change. Just spend a little time with a piece of paper and a pen to dream a little. Next time, I’ll give you all the 4-1-1 on how baby steps can get you to a happier version of beautiful you!

If anything in this post sparked something, drop me a line and tell me all about it at terrif@findyourpride.org .

XO

Terri

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Holidaze

Holidaze

Do you feel somnambulant during the holidays? Sort of like Mommy-zombie. Stumbling around with a TODO list pinned to your shirt, a frozen smile on your lips, and a murmured refrain of “Don’t forget the baby! Don’t forget to shower! Don’t forget the list!” All that murmuring and stumbling causes a time warp of indecision and doubt that ultimately leads to neglecting to buy the turkey or turn on the oven [insert ridiculous lapse of judgement here]. I know. I’ve been there—not done that.

After raising multiple wise-cracking, big hearted, incredibly demanding children, I have found a better way of “doing” the holidays…now I ask for help.

The most crippling part of the holiday season is the feeling that we are in this all alone. Standing at one end of a long, dark tunnel with a Norman Rockwell dining room table laden with perfectly cooked food at the other end…a shimmering mirage of everyone else’s perfect holiday meal. The only thing standing between us and them is that we are REAL HUMANS, and they are a story.

Ditch the story and have yourself a real holiday, complete with bumbling messes, real bonding, and bedhead. Ask your loved ones to help you make a new kind of grateful—one that’s built on real stuff. How? Here are 3 tips for a stress-less holiday season:

1. ACCEPT THE MESS: realize that Uncle Bill is a bit of a zealot who likes to mouth off at the worst times, so sit him in the corner with Aunt Sadie, who’s deaf and doesn’t care. Do a last minute picking up with a laundry basket, which then is shoved in a closet. Your guests will never know that you didn’t put everything away.

2. DELEGATE: I know, if you give the job to someone else, it won’t be done YOUR way…so what? It will be done, and you can take a moment to tame that bedhead. Giving responsibility to kids and spouses shows them that you trust them. All you need to do is delegate and resist the urge to follow behind them to re-do it, because that’s an enormous waste of time and energy. But if you just can’t, then…

3. TAKE THREE DEEP BREATHS: Every time you feel like perfecting one of your delegated tasks, STOP. Take 3 deep breaths, closing your eyes, filling your belly on the inhale and releasing the exhale through your mouth with a big WHOOSH! Notice how your shoulders come out of your ears and your heart rate slows to something less than a panicked deer in headlights. Keep chanting in your head, “I’m creating a peaceful space.”

All of these tips are ways of creating a better NOW. Now is the only moment that matters. You can create a new Holiday tradition: real gratitude for what you have right now. Look at your football watching partner, arguing children, overflowing trash can and repeat after me, “This is my uniquely flawed family, and I’m so glad they’re mine!”If you have any burning thoughts about this, please tell me all about it at terrif@findyourpride.org.

XO

Terri

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Practice Confident Vulnerability

Practice Confident Vulnerability!

When I talked with my volleyball girls this week, their go-to definition of vulnerability was a weakness, which is accurate if you’re engaged in warfare. However, in human interaction, vulnerability is a magical strength.

It’s as simple as leaving behind your social shields of coolness or snarky judgement to show up with truth and curiosity for what is really happening in every human interaction. I said it was simple, not easy. It takes courage to be vulnerable with others, and especially to be confident in your vulnerability. Owning your own feelings creates a confidence that you are important, just as you are, regardless of what others think.

This kind of vulnerability is miles away from the forced helplessness that is often mistaken for vulnerability. The “Oh woe is me” attitude is actually victim-hood, not vulnerability, and it’s a time and energy suck. I’m advocating an honest evaluation of your feelings, a recognition that those feelings are valid, and a clear communication of what kind of help you need or are willing to offer. 

In the gym this week I asked who was feeling great and who was feeling kinda’ crappy. When I had hands raised for each end of the spectrum, I offered the solution that the stronger help the weaker players on and off the court. Because, next practice their feelings could switch. If everyone is looking out for everyone else, the team plays more honestly. They connect clearly, and their communication improves. They got right to it as soon as I was finished talking, and I immediately saw a deeper level of cooperation—Huzzah!

If you have an endeavor with more than one person involved, cooperation is vital. But you can’t communicate properly if you aren’t honest about where you are and how you feel. If we can all be confident enough to trust that our feelings are valid AND vulnerable enough to communicate them to our teammates (in life or volleyball), we can accomplish remarkable feats together. And the journey will be so much more enjoyable. 

So, next time you’re considering a barrier of toughness to hide your doubts, ask for help instead. Or when you’re feeling sassy and powerful, seek out someone who needs a little oomph and share. Together we rise. Together we can pool our strengths and foibles to create a better life.

And if you need a little help with confidence this holiday season, join Dr. Jenn Gaddy and me for our Facebook Live Serene Season chat on December 13th at 8 p.m. on the Girl Power for Good Foundation Facebook page!

XO
Terri
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Giving Thanks for 2020

Give Thanks for 2020!

Are you kidding me? You want me to give thanks for the biggest CACA-fest of the century? Yes, I do. Because it’s the time of year when we do just that, no matter what, and here’s why. 
There’s an old Sheryl Crow lyric that always plays in my head during Thanksgiving, “It’s not having what you want, it’s wanting what you’ve got.” We are a culture of strivers, even this year. We strive for the newer gadget, the bigger house, the shinier car, the skinnier thighs and the coolest mask. It’s always, “When we get ____, then we’ll be content.” But what about right now? Can we all just take a breath, look around and count our blessings, even if they don’t look like blessings?
When I coach my clients in South Africa, their everyday inconveniences make me take stock of what I’ve got. They softly complain about having to take the containers down the road to fill them for water to cook and bathe with, and I realize how lucky I am to have water at the turn of a faucet. They talk about doing the laundry by hand, and I wince at the fact that I just complained about having to fold my clothes fresh from my dryer. Or for me, when a friend’s baby, who once made mud pies in pigtails, is now going into rehab for a haunting addiction that has swallowed their life, then my complaint about my kids being a little self centered dies on my lips. It puts it all in perspective, doesn’t it?
It’s about wanting, or even noticing, what we’ve got.
So let’s do that, shall we? I know, we’ve done this before; try it again! Take a minute and list 5 things that you have that my clients in their tiny dirt floor houses would be thrilled to have. A car that starts every morning, a refrigerator full of food, a stove to cook upon, a dishwasher that isn’t you. The list goes on and on. Just look around at your life. Really look. And notice all the beauty that resides there. Here’s my list:
1.My sassy, sarcastic quad of daughters who make me laugh so hard I snort.
2. My sarcastic, kind, generous, hunky husband who still opens doors for me, does the cooking AND the grocery shopping.
3. My house with a view that takes my breath away with each sunrise.
4. My goldendoodle, who gives cute a whole new dimension.
5. All the gadgets and machines that wash my dishes, my clothes, dry my hair quickly, carry me to and fro, and allow me to see my wrinkles in 10X magnification!

What’s on your list?

The only way to navigate the stress of the holidays is to put it in perspective. We have so much in this country, not the least of which is each other. If you’re dreading the holidays, try this “wanting what you’ve got” list, AND come to our “Have a Serene Season” FaceTime live on December 13th at 8 p.m. Dr. Jenn Gaddy and I will share tools to stay balanced, with exercises both physical and mental, to keep your days merry and bright. 
Most of all, I’m thankful for all of you, my pride of fierce, funny lionesses. Together we ROAR!

XO
Terri
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Question Your Absolutes

Question Your Absolutes
This week’s theme at Girl Power for Good is one that has caused me many hours lost in self-doubt—Question Your Absolutes! This is a tough topic for me, because I’ve spent most of my life as a black-and-white thinker. I only started changing during my Year Of Things That Suck (Y.O.T.T.S.)—in one year I lost my mom, my dad, and my right breast to cancer. The good news is that I also gained important, life-altering information in the same year, with my Life Coach Certification courtesy of Dr. Martha Back. Without my Y.O.T.T.S. I would not be a life coach; I wouldn’t have written an award winning parenting book, and I certainly wouldn’t have taken the leap of building the Girl Power for Good Foundation and the building that houses 850 Elite Volleyball Academy.
Sometimes it takes pain and struggle to loosen an absolute. Sometimes it just takes awareness.
My absolutes have been in my brain for a very long time, so it takes intentional, concerted focus to stop myself from knee-jerk polarized thinking. And I believe it’s the best use of your time and energy to do just that. With this theme we are giving you a less difficult path to freedom than death and cancer. Yay!
First, let’s define an absolute. They typically have either an implicit or explicit “always” or “never”. Such as: I (am) always, or I (can, am) never _________. Some examples from my very own brain are:
I have to stay busy to be happy.
I never have enough energy to do everything I need to do.
I have to be professional.
I never sit down, because if I do, I’ll never get up again.
There’s never enough time.

And my Nuclear Bomb of Absolutes—I’m always in charge, because if I don’t do it, it won’t be done (right).
All of these have felt like facts at one time in my life. There is a little truth to each one of them. However, the truth of the statement isn’t the issue; it’s how it makes me feel. 
When I read that Nuclear Bomb thought, I feel exhausted and resentful. When I carry that absolute in my head, I’m likely to snap at my husband for leaving clutter for me to clean, or my girls for “making” me help them out of their latest scrape. However, when I question that thought, I can find a little peace. It is really true that I’m always in charge? Do I go hungry if I don’t grow all my own food? Do I make and enforce the laws of my city or state? Am I in charge of collecting my trash? Brushing my college student’s teeth? Filling my husband’s car with gas? Do you see where I’m headed here? 
There are millions of things that go on around me quite nicely without a smidgen of input from me. When I focus on ALL the things that are done for me, I feel a little lighter; my shoulders relax and my jaw unclenches. I can look at all the thoughtful things my husband does, and I can straighten his clutter— because it really only bothers ME. And I love him enough to do that.  
Questioning that thought gives me perspective. It makes me more generous. It makes me more human. And isn’t that the point? So just for the next two weeks, let’s all take a look at our “always/never” thoughts. Notice how they make you feel. If they make you feel powerful, by all means, keep them! If they make you feel small, tired, or like a victim, just notice that. Notice how much energy those thoughts suck from your life. That’s the first step, just noticing. Next time, we will take the next step. Stay tuned! If you have any burning thoughts about this, please tell me all about it at terrif@findyourpride.org.
XO
Terri
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Be Your Own Boss

When dealing with female clients and friends, there is an underlying theme of waiting for permission to live life on your own terms. To this I say, “Poppycock!” If we wait for permission to live our life our way, we will be waiting a long time. It’s not anyone else’s job to tell you what’s okay. You are your own boss! If this is an uncomfortable thought for you, I understand. It’s just a matter of changing the way you think about your own power. What thoughts do you need to Be Your Own Boss?

1. “I respect your right to an opinion, but don’t expect me to agree with you”: My bookends (my oldest and youngest) are both great examples of this kind of thinking. They are a little (okay, a lot) sassy, and they really don’t care if you agree with them or not. As a result, I think they default to what THEY think is important, instead of what the group is doing. And they don’t spend a lot of time trying to change other people. My middle girls learned this at college, when they finally stopped changing to meet a crowd that didn’t represent their values. You will never change another person to be what you think they should be, but you can sure as hell stop hanging around them if they drain you..

2. “I have all my own answers.” When we stop looking to other people for approval for every little action or thought we have, we can free up a lot of time—time we used to spend waiting for other people to tell us we are okay. With that time, we can choose something new. We can try to prove our hunches right. We can listen to our Inner Guide (that little voice that tells us what, and who, is good for us). We can stop waiting for permission to live our life  and get on with it, already!

3. “If I take responsibility, I can save time and energy.” Think about all the time that’s spent pointing fingers at other people, in order to find out who’s responsible for screw-ups and mistakes. What if you just took the heat, even if it’s not all your fault? What if you owned up to your part in something, just to move the situation forward? If you take responsibility for your actions, people start looking to you as a leader. As humans, we want to forgive someone who stands up and says, “I’m sorry. I made a mistake.” So, stop blaming your boyfriend, parent, child, boss, or reality TV show for how unhappy you are. Take a stand, own it, and move on.

4. ”Treat yo’self right. If you don’t, who will?” Start taking care of your sweet self RIGHT NOW! Don’t wait for the kids to grow up, to get a raise, or to lose 10 pounds—treat yo’self right this very minute! I’m not talking about buying yourself a brand new car if you can’t afford lightbulbs. I’m just saying take 5 minutes to go outside and look at the clouds. Do a cartwheel. Dance in the rain. Lie down and cuddle with your dog or your kids; or better yet, your dog AND your kids. Do something that delights your senses and take charge of your own happiness by building it on a daily basis. You’re worth it!

We all make our own rules. As Victor Frankl  said, “Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way”. We all have free will, no matter the circumstances. Exert yours. Be Your Own Boss and watch how your life grows in the process. 

If you want to talk more about this, drop me a line at terrif@findyourpride.org or visit our pretty new website at www.girlpowerforgood.org. 

XO
Terri
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Lack or Love Glasses?

Lack or Love Glasses?

In uncertain times, which seems to be all the time lately, we tend to only notice what we don’t have, and that’s okay. It’s just not sustainable. Living in lack keeps us in a state of Fight or Flight, which can lead to a whole host of stress related diseases. This COVID-19 season has certainly increased our stress levels, but every cycle turns. Seasons end, relationships change, and kids grow up. Everything is always changing. You could say that change is our only constant. Our ability to accept change is directly related to our sense of safety and contentment.

Our contentment levels depend upon our perception of how we relate to the world and our circumstances in it. I say to my clients, and myself, we have a choice of what lens to use as we perceive life. Are you wearing Lack glasses or Love glasses?

Our fundamental outlook is built in childhood. My childhood was characterized by a lack of emotional support, as I was raised by parents who didn’t spend much time parenting. But underneath that baseline sense of lack is a rainbows and sunshine person, just waiting to burst into song. And it is my choice as to which glasses to wear every day. Do I choose my baseline lack or allow my rosy side to lead the way?

This pandemic has my Lack glasses at the ready. Daily, they call out to my scared inner kid, “Try these on, they are so comfortable. It’s like you’ve been wearing them forever!” But I know how that story ends—with stress, migraines and an unhealthy obsession with Talenti and Sour Cream and Onion Pringles (not usually at the same time). I can choose to ignore those glasses and put on my Love glasses instead. My vision while wearing them softens the edges of every situation. I can look past petty drama to the hurt beneath the snark. I can empathize, open my heart, and help soothe that pain. 

It’s as easy as choosing to wear my love glasses every day. They are the perfect accessory for a compassionate heart and a meaningful life. It’s always up to you which glasses you choose to wear. Choose the rosy ones today, and join me under the rainbow!

XO

Terri

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An Abundance of Lack

COVID-19 has taken many things from us: loved ones, freedom of travel, going to the movies, parties at restaurants, parties at bars, pretty much all parties, and an ease of being in the world. The only abundance we have right now is an abundance of lack. And that’s a bleak place, indeed.

I don’t know about you, but I’ve dwelled on all that this pandemic has taken from me long enough. I’m giving myself a kick in the perception pants, so I can dwell on what I DO have. Every morning when I wake up, I list 5 things for which I’m grateful, and my day’s “COVID SUCKS” meter reduces dramatically.

Gratitude changes the chemistry of our brain. Fear (because that’s what lack is, a fear of not having enough) and gratitude fire different areas of the brain, so you can’t experience lack at the same time you focus on gratitude. That’s why I yap about it so much. It turns a lack attack into a warm, fuzzy feeling. This morning my list looked like this:

I’m grateful for:

Air conditioning, because not everyone has air conditioning when it’s broiling outside.

My family, whose goofiness and snarky form of affection is like oxygen to my lack filled soul.

My healthy body.

My sweet pup who looks at me like I have all the answers to his burning questions—I am his queen.

My reliable Volvo that cranks up every time I turn the key, because I’ve had many cars that didn’t.

I could go on with a list of friends and co-workers who restore my faith in humanity on the daily, but now it’s your turn.

What people and things do you have in your life right now that bring a feeling of comfort? Send me your list at terrif@findyourpride.org, or post one gratitude on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/850EliteVolleyball. Let’s all return to a semblance of normal while we are writing our lists. With practice, the feeling of comfort will gently outlast the lack.
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