Even though our primary role as a parent is to help our children grow, it’s not our job to change
our teens. I can feel you bristling but just stay with me for a minute. If we try to change our
teens, all they hear is that they are not good enough as they are. Also, they will resist our
efforts, and this puts teen and parent on opposing sides. It’s more productive and joyful to be
on the same team. It’s a teen’s job to practice the independence that will help them navigate
the ever-increasing challenges in their lives. It’s a parent’s job to manage ourselves in the midst
of that change and to provide a safe place for them to return for comfort. Sounds all balanced
and kumbaya, right?
But what if your kid is changing in a way that makes your gut queasy? What if their new friends
set off alarm bells in your head? How do you tell when it’s time to step in and when it’s time to
leave them alone? What do you do if your child is enthralled by (cue scary laugh) an Emotional
Vampire?
First, let’s define an Emotional Vampire or EV. EVs are sometimes baby narcissists who play with
emotions for sport, stirring up drama to keep themselves in the center of the swirl. Then there
are the EVs who are just lost kids with crummy home lives who are drawn to shy, sensitive kids
because of their vulnerability. The EVs use flattery and attention to reel in quiet kids to provide
themselves with company; misery loves company. My middle child collected EVs like baseball
cards until it made me crazy with fear that these broken kids would break my kid, just for fun.
And I had no clue how to stop it. I knew that I could not stand idly by while my child became
someone I didn’t recognize. So I developed the EV Battle Plan:
Step One: Make sure there really IS a problem: There are so many stressors in middle and high
school, that if you go to threat level red on all of them, you will exhaust yourself and alienate
your teen. The signs that an EV has hold of your teen are: 1. Your child stops talking to you at all
or making eye contact, 2. They change their appearance drastically. They go from preppy to
grunge or from geek to vamp, 3. Their priorities change, like their grades take a nosedive. Your
A/B student starts bringing home D’s.
These situations are evidence that your child’s Inner Guide is no longer in the driver’s seat. If
they are struggling with an EV-directed emotional kidnapping, they will no longer look or act like
themselves. If they’re just being witchy, go meditate or exercise and wait for a time to connect
through humor. If their mood has nothing to do with you, don’t borrow trouble. If your Inner
Guide says there is a problem, then go to Step One-A.
Step One-A: Center yourself: Warriors from time immemorial have practiced pre-battle rituals.
If your gut tells you something is wrong, and your teen is exhibiting all the above behaviors,
then you must first get very clear about what to do next. Take time to meditate, pray, exercise,
sleep or do any other form of self-care that feels good to you. Do not react from a place of fear,
because that leads to actions you will regret. This is a minefield; you don’t want to rush
headlong into an explosion that will blow up your relationship with your kid. Did you notice that
I recommend self-care regardless of whether or not you’re in battle mode? Anytime you are
dealing with a teen, self-care should always be your first response. Ground yourself in love, and
then take action.
Step Two-Invite the Vampire Over: I know in the movies, this is the wrong thing to do; but in
real life, you want to re-con the situation directly. Come up with a super fun activity that is easy
to prepare; ask your kid for suggestions. Like this, “Sweetie, I feel like I never see you. Let’s have
a party and invite some friends over; what do you want to do? Pizza, sleepover, and movies,
maybe?” Then when the new kid comes over, you can assess which type of EV he/she is.
If it’s a lost kid who has caught the EV virus from their family, maybe you can love them enough
to really help them. I have always told my girls, “if you have friends who are on a different level
than you, for reasons beyond their control, you can either pull them up or they will pull you
down. The former is why we are on this Earth, the latter means the friendship has a short
shelf-life.” But if the EV is the baby narcissist variety, then you know that it’s time for battle
stations.
Step Three-Battle Stations: You will either need to ban the friend in whatever form feels right to
you or get help to remove your kid from their presence. I have been on both sides of the EV
issue, and neither side was easy. In one instance, I moved my kid to another school, and in the
other, she did school online while pursuing her big-city dreams. Both solutions eventually
worked, but the process was not simple or easy. The end result was that both daughters
graduated with good GPAs and learned to banish EVs all by themselves. I have seen parents who
do nothing, and the consequences are far worse. Burying your head in the sand is never a good
strategy.
I don’t say this to scare you; fear is not a good motivator. I want to empower you to do what’s
best for you and your family. Dealing with EVs is delicate. The only hard and fast rule is that you
must center yourself in love before taking any action. Remember that life with a teenager is like
flying a plane while building it. Things change at a lightning-quick pace. If you can practice
radical self-care, then you can handle the change and make decisions from a place of love.
Because the best defense against the dark arts is always love and compassion.
XO
Terri
P.S. If you need help with an EV infestation, drop me a line HERE or click for LIFE-COACHING
