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Before I was a life coach, I was a commercial real estate broker with a problem. The DEP told
us we had pollutants under one of our shopping centers that would take six months to clean up.
You couldn’t see the problem, as it was underneath the parking lot, but left unchecked it would
have contaminated the groundwater near us. Sometimes (metaphor alert) there are poisons
beneath the surface that threaten our health, and it’s up to us to clean them up or suffer the
consequences!
Friends are a crucial component of a healthy life. Research shows that lack of close friends is
dangerous, increasing the risk of dementia by 50%, stroke and heart disease by 30%, and akin
to smoking 15 cigarettes a day 1 . Close friends are those you feel completely comfortable with,
whether your mood is triumphant or pint-of-Talenti sad. They make you feel calm, safe, and
energized, like together you can save the world or at least your little corner of it. For me, that
means people who are low on drama and suffused with sarcastic humor and hugs. Do you have
people like that in your life?
We all have friends who are perhaps leftover from a former version of ourselves. They are too
judgmental and “look-at-me!” but we allow them to drain our energy, because we think suffering
is easier than hard feelings. I’m going to say this in the most loving and respectful way, “That’s a
crappy way to run your life, as only Saints get points for suffering!”
If you have “friends” who think you’ve done something underhanded or get offended easily, then
they aren’t your people. You could invest a bunch of time and energy trying to convince them,
OR you could just let them go find their own people. YOUR people will support you, even if you
have messed up. They will call you on it and accept your apology.
When you refuse to engage in the drama, it might create some short-term drama. And that’s
okay because it’s the means to a more peaceful end. My favorite response to someone who
wants to pump me for gossip is, “That’s not my story to tell.” When I say this calmly with clear
eye contact, drama mamas get flustered. This direct approach may lose some friends, and you
might be lonely for a while. But that space allows your people to find you. And acting like the
highest and best version of yourself allows YOUR people to recognize you.
So, friends, let this be the beginning of your own environmental cleanup. If you’ve noticed
emotional vampires in your circle because you feel exhausted and fuzzy-headed around them,
your cleanup is to limit access or refuse to engage by claiming an important appointment or
raging IBS, whatever works. Next time, we’ll talk about how to build a circle of YOUR people!
XO
Terri
P.S. Email me if this post made you say “AHA!” If you want immediate help with cleanup, go
here for life-coaching ��